To go along with our discussion on rewards programs and chores, my husband happened upon Handipoints, an online program that you can utilize to get your kids to accomplish their chores.

It is set up with a virtual world where they earn points to get things for their very own character!

From TechCrunch:

“Founder Viva Chu started Handipoints in January 2007 with the notion that chore charts would be both more fun and more effective if they were moved online. So he created a site with two main parts: one that helped parents track how their kids helped out around the house, and another that consisted of a virtual world on par with the other pseudo-3D services kids have come to enjoy.

These two parts work closely with one another to create sufficient incentives for kids to do their work. When kids successfully complete activities (such as cleaning their room, taking out the trash, or even brushing their teeth and eating an apple), they gain either of two types of points: so-called “handipoints” that can be redeemed for real-world items such as Nerf guns and toys; and “bonus points” that can be used to buy virtual goods in the online world. Parents determine which type of point, and how many of them, is rewarded for good behavior.

Setting up a system for kids to redeem points for physical goods (or money) was easy enough; all they had to do was hook up Amazon’s APIs and create a custom storefront. But a significant effort has gone into creating an entirely new and appealing virtual world, one that’s replete with different settings, activities, items, and other users.

Like Webkinz, kids can walk around the virtual world and talk to each other using canned chat (where you pick statements from a list instead of typing them). This prevents inappropriate behavior. The graphics are impressive and the functionality is rather sophisticated. In addition to buying items and socializing, users can play in-world games and watch movies (these require points, too).

Most of the service’s virtual goods are free, but the company plans on making money through selling premium goods to parents who want to make them available for their kids.”

I thought this was such a cool concept that I had to share! This might be a fun way to reward chores for kids in the tween category!

We are having a fun discussion on a rewards program that I have decided to start with my son. You can read our story here and our great day yesterday.

I did get some comments that I thought would be fun to discuss. Trust me, that if you do not agree with implementing a rewards system in your home that I completely respect that. After all, this is our first attempt trying something like this. What I had been doing was not working so that is why we are making these efforts.

Here were some of the questions that people had:

Question:
I had a question that maybe other commenters can help with. Does there come a time where the tangible rewards no longer matter so much and you phase out the charts, etc.? I’m thinking it may take a certain maturity level which would vary widely, I’m sure, but I just wasn’t sure if once you start this system you’ll be following it for years? Thanks!

Question:
This sounds wonderful and a lot of fun even. But I’m hesitant to try it for 3 reasons so I would LOVE to see more people post how this works out for them.

1) What do you do when tickets aren’t enough incentive? Those days compliance just isn’t happening? I’d still have to build a whole lot of “just in case” time into our routine?

2) Would this undo the things my son does just because he knows its right to do and make him start thinking there should be a reward for every little thing? When I was having a back problem it was really painful to buckle ds into his booster seat so I bribed him with a toy he’d been wanting (a pokemon ball) – “if you buckle yourself into the car every trip for a week you can have it.” A plan born of desperation when I realized I couldn’t lean over and pull the buckle across him when I needed to be somewhere and my back was spazzing and I knew he could but was being difficult. When it came time to go pick it out he wanted two. I told him no but he could figure out a way to earn the other one and all of a sudden he wanted to earn it simply by doing things he’s been doing “right” all along. So I set another challenge – tying his shoes. For this I pick behaviors/skills I’m pretty sure he is totally capable of but being stubborn about. So when the week of belt-buckling was over and he tried to regress it was “Nu-uh, no way mister, I KNOW you can do it.”

3) Is there burn-out with this? My son had a chore chart to earn some things he was pestering me for. It lasted about a week and then he didn’t want the things anymore. And when we were taking away toys because he wouldn’t pick them up he could earn them back by having a no-timeout day at school but then he wised up, quit losing the toys by cleaning up always but school is still if-y. He even can earn $ for helpful things (beyond things he should be doing for himself anyway) but he just doesn’t care about some of that stuff so I find myself having to constantly reinvent praises, consequences, etc. so I’ve gotten to the point I seem severe because I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I think maybe thats why I like this plan – easy to update and adapt and keep “interesting”?

I don’t like where we are though so I’m willing to give anything a try. So I’ll be watching this one!

Question:
So what happens when he gets older and is simply doing what he is supposed to, and doesn’t get a reward? Should doing those things that are basic daily living activities come with any reward other than that which the activity itself gives? Life deals positive and negative reinforcements, whether we like it or not. Shouldn’t the discipline of our children be similar? The idea of making the good and bad consequences known for a task seems to make much more sense for me. Where there is no risk, there is no reward.

My Answer:
I just want to begin by stating that this program and techniques were backed after years and years of research and come straight from the 2008 president of the American Psychological Association and head of the Yale Parenting Center.

This system is focusing on a defiant child who does not want to cooperate in the home. It is meant to reinforce positive behavior in your child.

Our children will all one day have to go out in the real world and get a job. When my son goes to his job, he will be paid for his hard work. If he doesn’t go to work, he will lose money and not be able to buy the things he wants. This is the same with this ticket program and will teach him that he will be rewarded for the good things he does, not only with the tickets which will earn him the right to gain a privilege in the home, but also that he will be praised and recognized for the good stuff he is doing. It is a form of positive parenting and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to be a positive mommy. What I was doing was not working for me.

If the idea of “you do what you are supposed to” works for people, I am all for that! We are talking about parenting a five year old child who isn’t doing anything he is supposed to and can become volatile at times when he is forced to do things. I don’t intend to give him tickets when he is a teenager, but I think a ticket or reward system is ideal for giving our children the building blocks they need to learn how to behave. My hope is that through a program like this (again with years of research backed on it) that my child will grow up into a successful young man who was raised in a positive environment. Who can fault a family for that?

And what seem daily living activities to us (for example, going to school) are difficult for my son and I am teaching him a positive reward for doing the things he doesn’t like or does not want to do. We are teaching him how rewarding it can be to do what we are supposed to!

I would definitely recommend checking out the book, if you are truly interested, because it explains it a lot better than I ever could!

I also want to add that the book does have chapters devoted towards negative behavior and how to deal that. For our age range, it is a time-out where they get no attention at all. Another negative consequence is not getting any tickets or attention for doing bad things.

I was banking on my son being just like me when I had added Wii & Leapster Games as a smoking deal for 200 tickets. I was the child who couldn’t hold a dollar in my pocket for longer than five minutes and, lucky for me, my son is the same exact way. He can’t wait to burn through those tickets. We have already cashed in for two bonus bedtime books last night and a rocking game of Chutes & Ladders with mommy this afternoon.

Thursdays are my hard day with Ethan and our mornings on this day are always challenging. Part of the reason has been that they do treasure chest at school with a similar system in place of gold cards (for good behavior) and red cards (for bad behavior) and I think that it bothers him when he doesn’t get to go to the treasure chest, as just the star student gets to go. The other reason this morning has been difficult is because it is the last day of school in his week and I think he just tired. I have a hard time myself on Thursdays so I think he would just rather be home.

This morning I tiptoed in and told him it was time to get ready for school. It was the typical no response and pulling the covers over his head. I headed downstairs and made his breakfast and then peeked in again. This time I said, “Ethan, I know this is a hard day for you and I want to reward you for doing your best today. If you get up and get ready, I am going to give you four tickets.” His eyes flew open and he rolled over to throw on his clothes. Would you believe that my boy, MY CHILD, was waiting in the car for us before I even had myself or his sister in the car? My child? My child sitting sweetly with his seat belt on, backpack packed, shoes and coat on all by himself. You know what else he said? He said he loved school? My son? My child?

Our other source of difficulty has been leaving places that he enjoys being at. We have had some very embarrassing tantrums at playgroups and family member’s homes. We have a playdate planned with my sister tomorrow so I thought I would talk to him about it. In the same rah-rah cheerleader voice, I told him that we were going to go to his cousin’s house and I know it is hard to leave there so I want to give him tickets for leaving nicely. He would get four tickets for leaving when I asked. Would you believe that he asked if we could practice it? All the way to school, I pretended like we were leaving and he practiced being sweet.

I know we have only been doing this a few days, but my husband looked at me last night and said, “This is not the same kid.” He was running downstairs to feed our cat, scraping his dishes off and resting them by the sink, and picking up his toys without a fight.

Best of all, the tickets he has been redeeming give me time with just him. I feel honored that he wants to spend ten tickets on playing a game with me, not on buying something. I told him how much it meant to me too because it really does.

I want to be a good mom and I try to be a good mom. It is hard for me to share when I feel like I am not being a good mom. I am human though and I struggle. When these moments come along where I feel like we are doing something right…well, it just feels good!

I am so full of hope right now!

I have been having parenting difficulties with my 5 year-old. He is an extremely sweet boy, but he is extremely strong-willed and he does not like going to school. This has been going on all year, but it has taken an extremely bad turn and he is becoming more physical (and more physically impossible) to battle with to make him go to school. Tuesday morning was the straw that broke the camel’s back, because our morning was the worst we had ever had together. I have even found myself having scary Mommy Dearest moments where I am yelling my head off at him and he is hitting me, screaming, and refusing to get in the car. I won’t go into all of the trauma, but I dreaded school mornings. He simply did not want to go to school and I did not know what to do. After a tearful talk with his teacher that day, I realized that something needed to change in our house.

Keep in mind that I tried everything that I could- getting him up earlier, eliminating distractions, and giving him warnings that it is nearing time to go, talking to him about what might be bothering him about school, frequent discussions with his teacher about behavior and what could be going on. You know, all the good stuff that the “experts” encourage. No matter what I did though, we were starting our mornings with tears and battles.

I came home on Tuesday feeling defeated. Was it something I did that caused this? Why was I letting my temper get the best of me? Did I fail in disciplining him?

I picked up a book that I got from the library about parenting strong-willed children entitled, “The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.” I sat down and poured a cup of coffee and read, and read, and read. I got excited in that hour about all that I could do as a parent. I realized that I didn’t have to be a negative mom, I could be a positive parent. The book was filled with tips on positive parenting and how to create positive solutions for your children. The main focus was on creating a point system for good behavior and focusing on positive praise to get positive results.

Dr. Kazdin suggests implementing a chart in the home to award points to your child for the things you want them to do (in our case, go to school without a fight). His system reminded me of another system that our reader, Jodi, had shared about using raffle tickets and points for completing chores in our awesome chore discussion. Go back to that post and take a peek- her advice was right on par with the good doctor’s recommendations.

I piled the kids in the car and forked over a few bucks for raffle tickets and pumped up the program to my son. It was recommended, in the book that I read, to throw in some theater or use your cheerleader voice (depending on what kind of person you were in high school, I guess)

Me: Ethan, We are going to try something NEW!

Ethan: (suspiciously) What kind of new thing?

Me: We are going to get TICKETS for doing GREAT stuff and you can EARN AWESOME THINGS for going to school and doing your chores.

Ethan: (still suspicious) What kind of things?

Me: Oh, whatever kinds of things you like…games, movies, ice cream…

Ethan: I like Wii games

Me: Well, that might be something you could work towards, but um, those are a lot of money…But we can TRY! Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah! Gooooo Team!

That is all it took to get him on board. We sat down and put together a list of activities that I wanted him to do around the house and a list of his rewards. We used a recycled coffee container for official ticket storage and worked all day the next day on putting together a fabulous chart of activities that he could do.

Ethan’s chart is a picture chart, since he is not reading just yet. I pulled all of the images from Microsoft’s clip art collection. Ethan picked each of the pictures and we cut them out, mounted them on cardboard and wrote number values in the corners of each picture. I have to say, we were both pretty proud with the finished product.

Ethan has one page of things he has to do to earn tickets and two pages of awesome rewards. We have them hanging on the refrigerator and he has been checking it and counting tickets like nuts for the past two days.

Earn Tickets:

Going to School Nicely- 3 tickets
Make My Bed- 1 ticket
Put breakfast dishes in the sink- 1 ticket
Pick up toys before bed- 3 tickets
Go to Bed Nicely- 1 ticket
Feed the cat- 1 ticket
Help Mommy With Laundry- 3 tickets

Rewards:

Get to Read an Extra Book- 5 tickets
Go to the Library- 10 tickets
Pick What to Eat for Dinner- 10 tickets
Get a Movie- 10 tickets
Play a Game With Mom or Dad- 10 tickets
Rent a Video Game- 20 tickets
1 Hour of Computer Time- 25 tickets
Pick and Make a Snack With Mommy- 25 tickets
Go to the Dollar Movie- 30 tickets
Stay up 1 Hour Late- 35 tickets
Get Ice Cream- 35 tickets
Go Bowling- 100 tickets
Wii or Leapster Game- 200 tickets
Go to the Dinosaur Museum- 200 tickets

In the book, they encourage you to not take away points, but tell your child that it is fine if they don’t want to do A, B, or C, but they will not get the points they need to get rewards. The book also reviews other forms of punishment, like time-outs and how to make them effective when disciplining your child. There is also an entire system of practicing what you need your child to do (basically acting out the parts of what you want to occur), praising your child for the pretend scenarios, then having them really do, and then rewarding them with points and praise that involve a hug, a high-five, or a pat on the back.

If you are struggling with your child as I have been, you might want to check out the
book! The Appendix of the book has a chart divided between age groups for activities that you could add to your charts and fun rewards that your child can earn.

What I truly mean to say though is thank you for all of your invaluable comments. I try to help be a source of encouragement over here, but your systems and thoughtful discussions are such a great encouragement to me as well! Big thanks to Jodi for her thoughtful solution- I hope this will help someone else out there. From one Mommy Dearest to another!

Sound Off: Do you use charts in your house? How do you implement positive parenting in your house?