Shake Ya Tail Feather

Once upon a time, I was an attractive person. Not in the drop-dead-knock-you-off-your-feet attractive, but a mildly attractive woman who was able to snag herself a nice young man to spend some time with. That young man, of course, was my husband and upon being married, I realized that no one’s head would be turning for me anymore because I was a married woman.

Despite my marriage, I still thought I could maybe turn a head or two, of a gross, not-so-attractive man, in a grocery store or the mall. I knew I still had a little bit of the “it” factor left- just barely, but I was still ticking away.

Upon having a child though, I have become invisible to the male population, which is fine with me. Instead of seeing who is looking at me, in the vain way that I used to do, I now look at other mommies with their kiddos in the carts. I also look at those young whippersnappers to see exactly what clothes are in style anymore. Those are the types of things that I look at. This only happens, of course, when I am not doing a tap dance for my son in the aisles to keep him entertained.

To illustrate my point on how rare it is that a man looks at me, I will share with you all my funny story of a little incident that happened to me at Walmart…..

Last summer, our family had been out for the evening and we came home to our dark house to get ready for our nightly routine. When we flipped on the light in the kitchen, however, we found ourselves with a truly terrible problem. A problem that about flipped my little prissy heart out of my body….we had ants. Little tiny baby ants had somehow crawled through our window and were now trying to make a home in my kitchen. Well, I freaked out (just a little bit) about these stupid ants and started pouring salt all over our kitchen amid my sobs about how we were such clean people, how do these things happen to us, and a few curse words here and there. My husband just kept looking at me like I was crazy and then finally asked me what the purpose of the salt is….”To deter their sense of smell, until I can take care of this problem.” Let’s just say I felt a little bit taller after that because my husband thought I was the smartest woman alive as we watched the ants running around in a frantic circle. All I can say is that it sometimes DOES help you to read those stupid forwards people send you.

After pouring the salt, I headed over to Walmart to get some ant killer to spray all over our kitchen to rid ourselves of our pest problem. I grabbed the only type of indoor killing spray that they had and made a mad dash up to the cash register. Of course we are talking about WALMART here, so obviously I had to do a lot of waiting in line for my turn to get the heck out of there. While I waited, I people-watched and that is when I saw this guy looking at me. Considering I couldn’t even remember what I was wearing, I looked behind me to see who he was staring at….Yup, it was me! I started to gain back some of my old confidence in myself that had been lacking a little bit. I paid for my purchases and shook my tail feather all the way back to my car. All the while I am thinking, “OH YEAH! I still got it! I am still hot! I am not even TRYIN’ and this guy is looking at me.” I just couldn’t wait to run home and tell my husband just what a lucky man he was….that is when I flipped down the mirror just to take another look at my hot-self and I realized the humiliating truth. The truth that I can share with only a few people was…..I had black mascara trails running all down my face- I looked just like Tammy Faye Baker. I had mascara everywhere from my little prissy-soap-opera drama, which I apply to just about everything in my life, and that was why the guy was looking at me. Black streaks all down my pale face made me look like I was a goth-chick-wannabe- it was, to say the least, a teeny bit embarrassing.

Oh yes, my tail feather was between my legs when I arrived home to tackle those dang ants….all the while trying to chant to myself, “OH YEAH! I still got it! I am still hot!” as I spray the heck out of our kitchen.

Now how pathetic was THAT story??

Published July 08, 2005 by:

Amy Allen Clark is the founder of You can read all about her here.

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