Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Give me an S-U-C-K!!

Have you all had the opportunity to catch the show, "Sports Kids Moms & Dads?" Before this show was featured on Oprah, I had already set my Tivo for it. I thought it would be great to see just how talented these kiddos were and how their parents dealt with their talent. Sounds like a fun show about kids and their parents, doesn't it? Ummm....not exactly!

So here are the parenting lessons I learned just from the very first episode- I feel like my parenting has GREATLY improved by just observing these fantastic parents.

1) Tell your kid that they suck....repeatedly. In case they didn't pick up on your rude tone make sure to truly emphasize the word SUCK. Tell them that they will never amount to anything and ask them what they thought they were doing when they decided to ruin their game ON PURPOSE and let everyone in their lives down. Then give them a hug and tell them you love them.

2) If they cry, give them ten seconds. If they cry for fifteen- kick them in the groin and tell them to BUCK UP! Tell them that this is the game of life and currently they are playing like a loser. Then refer again to step one just in case they forgot the part about sucking.

3) Tell them that they do such a crappy job at their practices that to watch them makes you, "Feel like you are going to throw up and be physically ill." Make sure to remind them that just seeing how lousy they do at practice brings you physical pain & torture. Don't forget to let them know that it is their fault that you can't keep your food down.

4) Remind them every single day how much their practices cost you- time, money, gas, whatever. Make sure that you add five thousand dollars to that number just to make sure that they feel extra guilty about all of the money that you are basically wasting just hoping that SOMEDAY they might show some stinking talent.

5) Tell them they suck....wait! Did we already cover that one?

Seriously, the show was just unbelievable and the parents on it made me cringe. The parents reminded me of a few not-so-fun mommies that I got the pleasure of dealing with when I was enrolled in dance (I am sure that you know what type of mommy I am talking about).

I am hoping, in my heart of hearts, that my son wants to play sports because I have always envisioned myself as one of those happy little soccer moms sitting up in the bleachers cheering my little heart out for my little guy. The first year he was born, jokingly, I bought a t-shirt from Old Navy that said, "Soccer Mom Car Services."

Hopefully he will want to play soccer because I was never athletic and all we want for him is the best in the world. We will, of course, give our little one the choice of playing soccer or living with a homeless man on the street corner begging for money. We would never want to put pressure on him, but living a life on the streets versus playing ball....well, I think you all can see my point...I am hoping that Ethan will see our point too.

So with all of the cheerleader spirit that this preggo mom can muster, I am throwing out a good ol'......Gooooo Team!!


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