Comments on: A Struggle to Be Faithful http://momadvice.com/blog/2008/06/a-struggle-to-be-faithful Mon, 13 Feb 2012 23:30:29 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Sus http://momadvice.com/blog/2008/06/a-struggle-to-be-faithful/comment-page-1#comment-24327 Sus Mon, 13 Dec 2010 10:03:02 +0000 http://momadvice.com/blog2/?p=734#comment-24327 I felt like I had to come back and say a few more things. Everyone who is saying that it will get worse when she gets older if you force separation. That’s total bs. Our culture is totally obsessed with pushing early independence. As for crying it out, just google “cry it out cortisol” to see what *science* says about the affects of doing that to your little one. She’s only two and a half. Can you wrap your mind around what it must be like for her? Be gentle with her! This is only a time in your life. I promise that it will pass. I’ve been there. Also, any chance of going to different services for a while while volunteering in the nursery during the other service? My husband has often volunteered in the nursery and it has made the transition easier for all of our kids. I felt like I had to come back and say a few more things.

Everyone who is saying that it will get worse when she gets older if you force separation. That’s total bs. Our culture is totally obsessed with pushing early independence. As for crying it out, just google “cry it out cortisol” to see what *science* says about the affects of doing that to your little one. She’s only two and a half. Can you wrap your mind around what it must be like for her? Be gentle with her!

This is only a time in your life. I promise that it will pass. I’ve been there.

Also, any chance of going to different services for a while while volunteering in the nursery during the other service? My husband has often volunteered in the nursery and it has made the transition easier for all of our kids.

]]> By: COURTNEY http://momadvice.com/blog/2008/06/a-struggle-to-be-faithful/comment-page-1#comment-9320 COURTNEY Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:36:00 +0000 http://momadvice.com/blog2/?p=734#comment-9320 I know that you posted this quite a while ago, but something similar happened to me today and I remembered your post and wanted to come back and leave a comment. I think its really important that you continue to do the things that are important to you even if they mean a difficult separation from your daughter. I just read in an advice column (entitled Dear Amy, ironically) about a woman whose grown children have no appreciation for her despite the fact that she always sacrificed herself for them when they were children. I think its very important that we teach our children that others, including their parents, have needs also. This is the first step in instilling empathy and compassion into our kids. Keep up what you're doing and maybe try switching off with your husband when it comes time to drop her off before worship. It probably won't make it any easier on your daughter but then at least only one of you at a time has to deal with the guilt. Whatever you do, don't do what I just did and buy her a Barbie doll to cheer her up. I know that you posted this quite a while ago, but something similar happened to me today and I remembered your post and wanted to come back and leave a comment. I think its really important that you continue to do the things that are important to you even if they mean a difficult separation from your daughter. I just read in an advice column (entitled Dear Amy, ironically) about a woman whose grown children have no appreciation for her despite the fact that she always sacrificed herself for them when they were children. I think its very important that we teach our children that others, including their parents, have needs also. This is the first step in instilling empathy and compassion into our kids. Keep up what you’re doing and maybe try switching off with your husband when it comes time to drop her off before worship. It probably won’t make it any easier on your daughter but then at least only one of you at a time has to deal with the guilt. Whatever you do, don’t do what I just did and buy her a Barbie doll to cheer her up.

]]> By: Marva http://momadvice.com/blog/2008/06/a-struggle-to-be-faithful/comment-page-1#comment-9321 Marva Sun, 06 Jul 2008 11:36:00 +0000 http://momadvice.com/blog2/?p=734#comment-9321 Our twins (boys) are 3 months younger than Emily. One is resally clingy and needs almost no sleep to function. He was the sleeper early on and would sleep 10 hours straight. Now, they have switched roles.<br /><br />It is so hard. To make matters worse, we had kept them out of precschool/daycare for the first 2 years beacuse of their health/prematurity issues. Just last week they started preschool. It has been so hard. John is quite clingy and cries when I first leave, then he is fine within 5 minutes.<br /><br />They have both picked up a cold there and it makes it worse.<br /><br />You are a great Mommy........go with your heart. Ask God for help......again. He will see you through. I am praying for you sweet friend!<br /><br />Blessings!!!! Our twins (boys) are 3 months younger than Emily. One is resally clingy and needs almost no sleep to function. He was the sleeper early on and would sleep 10 hours straight. Now, they have switched roles.

It is so hard. To make matters worse, we had kept them out of precschool/daycare for the first 2 years beacuse of their health/prematurity issues. Just last week they started preschool. It has been so hard. John is quite clingy and cries when I first leave, then he is fine within 5 minutes.

They have both picked up a cold there and it makes it worse.

You are a great Mommy……..go with your heart. Ask God for help……again. He will see you through. I am praying for you sweet friend!

Blessings!!!!

]]> By: Anonymous http://momadvice.com/blog/2008/06/a-struggle-to-be-faithful/comment-page-1#comment-9322 Anonymous Fri, 04 Jul 2008 18:00:00 +0000 http://momadvice.com/blog2/?p=734#comment-9322 Amy--<br />I really know what your going through. My middle child would get so upset when left in the church nursery she would hyperventilate or throw up and sleep was a continual struggle. Everyone gave me advice and told me what I was doing wrong. In the end I have learned to tune out other people and listen to my child's needs and my needs. I found books by Dr. Sears (I believe his term is high need child) very helpful. I also found Dan Allender's "How children raise their parents" helpful. <br /><br />On a practical side, I found my daughter was more comfortable when left with a sitter at home then in any type of nursery. I also paid to have a sitter come when I was home the first few times to make her more comfortable.<br /><br />Sleep eventually leveled off with us when I out a sleeping bag at the foot of my bed. The deal was she must go to sleep in her own bed but she could come get in the sleeping bag if she awoke in the middle of the night(being very quiet like a mouse to not wake mommy because mommy would be grumpy in the morning if she did not get enough sleep). <br /><br />Don't stay home keep going to church, keep working out, keep trying new things with your daughter. It is not about what you do, or don't do, or parenting mistakes you have made, but about you and your daughter- she is simply wired differently. With enough love and reassurance she will outgrow it. My daughter is now six and does great, the turning point for us was when I just started doing what felt right to me. Amy–
I really know what your going through. My middle child would get so upset when left in the church nursery she would hyperventilate or throw up and sleep was a continual struggle. Everyone gave me advice and told me what I was doing wrong. In the end I have learned to tune out other people and listen to my child’s needs and my needs. I found books by Dr. Sears (I believe his term is high need child) very helpful. I also found Dan Allender’s “How children raise their parents” helpful.

On a practical side, I found my daughter was more comfortable when left with a sitter at home then in any type of nursery. I also paid to have a sitter come when I was home the first few times to make her more comfortable.

Sleep eventually leveled off with us when I out a sleeping bag at the foot of my bed. The deal was she must go to sleep in her own bed but she could come get in the sleeping bag if she awoke in the middle of the night(being very quiet like a mouse to not wake mommy because mommy would be grumpy in the morning if she did not get enough sleep).

Don’t stay home keep going to church, keep working out, keep trying new things with your daughter. It is not about what you do, or don’t do, or parenting mistakes you have made, but about you and your daughter- she is simply wired differently. With enough love and reassurance she will outgrow it. My daughter is now six and does great, the turning point for us was when I just started doing what felt right to me.

]]> By: Tara http://momadvice.com/blog/2008/06/a-struggle-to-be-faithful/comment-page-1#comment-9323 Tara Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:18:00 +0000 http://momadvice.com/blog2/?p=734#comment-9323 Well, you certainly received many comments on this subject. So, I hope you don't mind me adding my 2 cents. My daughter will be 4 at the end of August. We co-slept with her 99% of the time since she was born. Recently, it has been less as she sometimes opts to be in her own big bed. We have never had sleep issues. I'm not saying this is for everyone. One day my husband and I will want our bed back to ourselves. This has worked best for us so far. Like I said, she seems to be deciding that she can sleep on her own more and more now. We also have a bedtime routine that includes bath, story or one PBS show, and always lullabies. It's kind of funny because she will NOT let me wimp out on singing the same songs every night...it must really comfort her to have that routine. As far as separation anxiety, I have found that my child goes through stages of more or less separation anxiety. Usually it is brought on by a change, no matter big or small. For example, Mommy started dropping her off at daycare instead of Daddy. She cried and clung to me like a baby. They told me she never did that when Daddy dropped her off. So, we read "Oh My Baby, My Little One" together. Now, when I drop her off we put our "love" in each other's pocket (like they talk about in the book) and off she goes without a fuss. Sunday School is new for us, so I am "shopping around" for a church where she and I both feel comfortable. Last one we tried, she cried until they brought her to me and she fell asleep in my arms during the service. I guess I'll just keep trying until we find the right combination. Thanks for the great connection and sorry I went so long. God Bless your family. Well, you certainly received many comments on this subject. So, I hope you don’t mind me adding my 2 cents. My daughter will be 4 at the end of August. We co-slept with her 99% of the time since she was born. Recently, it has been less as she sometimes opts to be in her own big bed. We have never had sleep issues. I’m not saying this is for everyone. One day my husband and I will want our bed back to ourselves. This has worked best for us so far. Like I said, she seems to be deciding that she can sleep on her own more and more now. We also have a bedtime routine that includes bath, story or one PBS show, and always lullabies. It’s kind of funny because she will NOT let me wimp out on singing the same songs every night…it must really comfort her to have that routine. As far as separation anxiety, I have found that my child goes through stages of more or less separation anxiety. Usually it is brought on by a change, no matter big or small. For example, Mommy started dropping her off at daycare instead of Daddy. She cried and clung to me like a baby. They told me she never did that when Daddy dropped her off. So, we read “Oh My Baby, My Little One” together. Now, when I drop her off we put our “love” in each other’s pocket (like they talk about in the book) and off she goes without a fuss. Sunday School is new for us, so I am “shopping around” for a church where she and I both feel comfortable. Last one we tried, she cried until they brought her to me and she fell asleep in my arms during the service. I guess I’ll just keep trying until we find the right combination. Thanks for the great connection and sorry I went so long. God Bless your family.

]]> By: robyn http://momadvice.com/blog/2008/06/a-struggle-to-be-faithful/comment-page-1#comment-9324 robyn Tue, 01 Jul 2008 21:33:00 +0000 http://momadvice.com/blog2/?p=734#comment-9324 Just wanted to say my daughter is 3 and a half and still wakes up at least once a night. She slept through the night the first time as a present to me on her 2nd birthday. Very strong willed, "doesn't need so much sleep" could cry forever. That's why I only have one! Just wanted to say my daughter is 3 and a half and still wakes up at least once a night. She slept through the night the first time as a present to me on her 2nd birthday. Very strong willed, “doesn’t need so much sleep” could cry forever. That’s why I only have one!

]]> By: Amy http://momadvice.com/blog/2008/06/a-struggle-to-be-faithful/comment-page-1#comment-9325 Amy Mon, 30 Jun 2008 23:33:00 +0000 http://momadvice.com/blog2/?p=734#comment-9325 Wow, thank you guys SO MUCH for all of these amazing and well-thought responses. I am going to pray really hard about this and try some of your ideas. I will definitely follow-up next week with what we think is best for our family and share our experience.<br /><br />I grow so much from each of you- thank you for being so willing to share. I have been so frustrated and sad about this- it means a lot that you would take time out of your busy schedules to share some solutions for me. I debated over and over again whether or not to share this. I love Emily so much and she means the world to me, I am just frustrated with this stage right now.<br /><br />I sometimes feel like I hit the lottery though with the best readers in the world! Thank you! Wow, thank you guys SO MUCH for all of these amazing and well-thought responses. I am going to pray really hard about this and try some of your ideas. I will definitely follow-up next week with what we think is best for our family and share our experience.

I grow so much from each of you- thank you for being so willing to share. I have been so frustrated and sad about this- it means a lot that you would take time out of your busy schedules to share some solutions for me. I debated over and over again whether or not to share this. I love Emily so much and she means the world to me, I am just frustrated with this stage right now.

I sometimes feel like I hit the lottery though with the best readers in the world! Thank you!

]]> By: Chief Family Officer http://momadvice.com/blog/2008/06/a-struggle-to-be-faithful/comment-page-1#comment-9326 Chief Family Officer Mon, 30 Jun 2008 22:53:00 +0000 http://momadvice.com/blog2/?p=734#comment-9326 Amy, I'm sorry for your struggles. It is clear that your heart hurts from this situation. I have one suggestion that would work for all of the situations that you described above. I am not an educator, but this is something my educator friend has suggested and it works well in anxiety-inducing situations. The idea is to tell a "social story" - basically, you preview what's going to happen for the child. Multiple times is good.<br /><br />So for example, before you go to church, you can explain that you're all going to church. Mommy and Daddy will go into the big church. Ethan and Emily will go to Sunday school while Mommy and Daddy are in church. Ethan will go with [insert friends' names] to one classroom. Emily will go with [insert friends' names and if possible, teacher's name] to a different classroom. In class, you'll learn about [insert applicable subject - call ahead of time to ask what will be taught if necessary]. Emily and Ethan will also [insert applicable activity]. When that's over, Mommy and Daddy will meet Emily and Ethan in the hallway.<br /><br />Repeat this story several times, with as much detail as possible. You can do something similar at bedtime. My three-year-old is pretty good about letting me go, but sometimes has difficulty. For instance, sometimes when I'm leaving him at school he'll say no, so I'll give him a run down of the rest of his day, ending with, And then Mommy will come to pick you up and we'll go home together. I think there's just something inherently reassuring about knowing what to expect, knowing that there will be an end to whatever the uncomfortable situation is, and knowing that Mom and Dad will there at the end to take them home.<br /><br />I'm sorry this got so long. It does take a little practice to get used to telling the social stories, but they are very useful. Hope that helps and good luck! Amy, I’m sorry for your struggles. It is clear that your heart hurts from this situation. I have one suggestion that would work for all of the situations that you described above. I am not an educator, but this is something my educator friend has suggested and it works well in anxiety-inducing situations. The idea is to tell a “social story” – basically, you preview what’s going to happen for the child. Multiple times is good.

So for example, before you go to church, you can explain that you’re all going to church. Mommy and Daddy will go into the big church. Ethan and Emily will go to Sunday school while Mommy and Daddy are in church. Ethan will go with [insert friends' names] to one classroom. Emily will go with [insert friends' names and if possible, teacher's name] to a different classroom. In class, you’ll learn about [insert applicable subject - call ahead of time to ask what will be taught if necessary]. Emily and Ethan will also [insert applicable activity]. When that’s over, Mommy and Daddy will meet Emily and Ethan in the hallway.

Repeat this story several times, with as much detail as possible. You can do something similar at bedtime. My three-year-old is pretty good about letting me go, but sometimes has difficulty. For instance, sometimes when I’m leaving him at school he’ll say no, so I’ll give him a run down of the rest of his day, ending with, And then Mommy will come to pick you up and we’ll go home together. I think there’s just something inherently reassuring about knowing what to expect, knowing that there will be an end to whatever the uncomfortable situation is, and knowing that Mom and Dad will there at the end to take them home.

I’m sorry this got so long. It does take a little practice to get used to telling the social stories, but they are very useful. Hope that helps and good luck!

]]> By: Anonymous http://momadvice.com/blog/2008/06/a-struggle-to-be-faithful/comment-page-1#comment-9327 Anonymous Mon, 30 Jun 2008 21:54:00 +0000 http://momadvice.com/blog2/?p=734#comment-9327 Amy, my second child of four was just like that. I just don't think there are any easy solutions. We just kind of hung on through the seperation anxiety. Church was the worst for us. Although he had bad seperation anxiety, he slept well at least. My fourth is my first child that still wakes up at night at 2 so I am feeling your pain. Kids are all so different. I am amazed that God could send my husband and I 4 children that are so different. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone. Amy, my second child of four was just like that. I just don’t think there are any easy solutions. We just kind of hung on through the seperation anxiety. Church was the worst for us. Although he had bad seperation anxiety, he slept well at least. My fourth is my first child that still wakes up at night at 2 so I am feeling your pain. Kids are all so different. I am amazed that God could send my husband and I 4 children that are so different. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone.

]]> By: sweetpolly16 http://momadvice.com/blog/2008/06/a-struggle-to-be-faithful/comment-page-1#comment-9328 sweetpolly16 Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:02:00 +0000 http://momadvice.com/blog2/?p=734#comment-9328 My daughter Erin is just about to turn 5 and has always been "slow to warm up". I have always acted very casual and never made a big deal about her shyness. When she started preschool this past fall I went in with her everyday for the first couple of months. At first I felt almost guilty-was I supposed to let her just cry? The teacher seemed to think so. But then I thought about it and decided that, since I had no where else that I needed to be, why couldn't I be with her until she felt more comfortable. I consider it a blessing that I am able to slowly guide her into independence. She went to a really great preschool with good kids/teachers but kids are still kids and being there I could see first hand what was going on and then was able to talk with her about how to properly handle situations. I don't think "crying it out" is the right thing to do for our children. They are able to aquire more self confidence when they know that they can depend on us to be there for them. Take turns with your husband going to the gym or you could both go at the same time and bring her. One goes into the child care area with her (and hangs out while she gets used to it and has fun) the other works out. Then switch. After a while she will get to know certain staff members and kids and will then feel more comfortable doing it on her own. I would also bring her into church with you. Bring something to keep her occupied and stay as long as you can. God will be glad that you are teaching your child by example and won't be mad if you have to leave early a few times. As far as sleep issues we co-sleep. When Erin was born she started out in a bassinet but just wouldn't stay asleep. Also having to get up every 1-2 hours to nurse her was exhausting! I started bringing her into our bed and she has been there ever since. I have done quite a bit of reading on the subject of co-sleeping and it seems to work for many people around the world. As a matter of fact people who put their children into a seperate room to sleep are not only the minority but it was actually not heard of not too long ago. My daughter doesn't think that she is conroling me or winning. We don't even discuss that there might be an alternative. And you shouldn't have to either. Take her into the childcare area and before she can even react say "come on lets go play!" she will be so relieved and excited she won't think twice about why you are doing it. As for the co-sleeping, I know that its not for everyone. It works for us. Maybe it could work for you to. It might take a while to get used to three in a bed but when you do you will end up getting much better sleep. All in all we don't use alot of babysitters and we do quite a bit more family oriented things but I really believe that this way of parenting has created a very close and special bond that many parents end up missing out on. Every day Erin gets that much more independent and I have the uttmost confidence that when she turns eighteen she will off doing her own thing and I will WISH I could go back to the days of cuddling in bed or watching her build a fort with her friends at preschool. Good luck and do what feels right to you as a Mom. My daughter Erin is just about to turn 5 and has always been “slow to warm up”. I have always acted very casual and never made a big deal about her shyness. When she started preschool this past fall I went in with her everyday for the first couple of months. At first I felt almost guilty-was I supposed to let her just cry? The teacher seemed to think so. But then I thought about it and decided that, since I had no where else that I needed to be, why couldn’t I be with her until she felt more comfortable. I consider it a blessing that I am able to slowly guide her into independence. She went to a really great preschool with good kids/teachers but kids are still kids and being there I could see first hand what was going on and then was able to talk with her about how to properly handle situations. I don’t think “crying it out” is the right thing to do for our children. They are able to aquire more self confidence when they know that they can depend on us to be there for them. Take turns with your husband going to the gym or you could both go at the same time and bring her. One goes into the child care area with her (and hangs out while she gets used to it and has fun) the other works out. Then switch. After a while she will get to know certain staff members and kids and will then feel more comfortable doing it on her own. I would also bring her into church with you. Bring something to keep her occupied and stay as long as you can. God will be glad that you are teaching your child by example and won’t be mad if you have to leave early a few times. As far as sleep issues we co-sleep. When Erin was born she started out in a bassinet but just wouldn’t stay asleep. Also having to get up every 1-2 hours to nurse her was exhausting! I started bringing her into our bed and she has been there ever since. I have done quite a bit of reading on the subject of co-sleeping and it seems to work for many people around the world. As a matter of fact people who put their children into a seperate room to sleep are not only the minority but it was actually not heard of not too long ago. My daughter doesn’t think that she is conroling me or winning. We don’t even discuss that there might be an alternative. And you shouldn’t have to either. Take her into the childcare area and before she can even react say “come on lets go play!” she will be so relieved and excited she won’t think twice about why you are doing it. As for the co-sleeping, I know that its not for everyone. It works for us. Maybe it could work for you to. It might take a while to get used to three in a bed but when you do you will end up getting much better sleep. All in all we don’t use alot of babysitters and we do quite a bit more family oriented things but I really believe that this way of parenting has created a very close and special bond that many parents end up missing out on. Every day Erin gets that much more independent and I have the uttmost confidence that when she turns eighteen she will off doing her own thing and I will WISH I could go back to the days of cuddling in bed or watching her build a fort with her friends at preschool. Good luck and do what feels right to you as a Mom.

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