I adore my Emily. She is her very own little person with her own sweet little personality. I prayed very hard that we would someday have a little girl of our very own and here she is in all of her glory. She is the sweetest little girl with the best personality and she makes me laugh with her sweet quirkiness.
Emily has also challenged me in ways that I never dreamed as a parent. While Ethan slept through the night at three months, my Emily still cries for me at night (she is two and a half). Since she has been born, I have had rarely a full night of sleep. I can’t figure out why this is because we have done everything for her exactly the same as Ethan, but Emily doesn’t seem to really need sleep.
Ethan was (and still is) an extremely outgoing child. I could leave him anywhere and he would have a zillion best friends by the time I got back. I remember that my feelings were a little hurt the first day I dropped him off for school and he barely acknowledged my departure. He was just that kind of kid.
Emily is not that kind of kid. She is very shy and takes time to warm up to anyone. She really hates to be left anywhere and clings to my leg if she thinks I will leave her. She wails uncontrollably if she thinks we will leave her. It has been extremely hard.
Working out is difficult because I can hear her crying when I leave her in the babysitting area for my workout. I am constantly listening and my stomach feels like a little tight ball because I am on edge if she is making it difficult for the babysitter in charge. I feel selfish when I leave her there. Working out is optional and I feel like I am inflicting trauma on my child for no reason.
Worshiping is difficult because the children go to Sunday school while we attend the service and she really hates going. When we walk into church, she starts crying and when we leave her she is uncontrollable and inconsolable. This Sunday she screamed the entire time we were in service, and her screaming was worse if anyone looked or talked to her. When we got done with worship and the tears were rolling down her face, I felt like the worst parent in the world.
I honestly don’t know what to do. She doesn’t like to be alone at night, she wants me to be by her side all day, and I feel very badly for the people who are caring for her in my absence. At the same time, I know that there are times where we need that separation so that I can be a better mom to her. Things like working out and going to worship are important to me, but I feel very badly doing these things when I know how hard it is for the people who care for her.
It is bad enough that I don’t know if my husband and I should go to worship together. Maybe we should alternate services so Emily doesn’t have to go to Sunday School? Maybe I should quit the gym in favor of working out at home? I really am struggling with what is the best way to handle this. Do I keep doing this in hopes that she will figure out that we will always come back to her or do I wait until she outgrows it on her own?
I would love to hear from parents who are dealing with this or have watched their children outgrow it! Any help would be greatly appreciated!
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47 Responses to “A Struggle to Be Faithful”
Amy – You just described my kids to a tee. I have triplet girls about the same age and they both are my little cling-ons. Don’t give up going to church or working out the way you do, she has to learn that you will be there with her sometimes but other times she has to be left in the care of others. If you give in and change around your schedule she is going to have the upper hand and as she becomes older it will get worse. To help my girls when I leave them to go to work etc. I give them my watch and set the timer for when I will be coming to get them. It makes them feel better because by the time the timer goes off I am coming through the door.
Also the sleep thing (Don’t feel like I am saying you are a bad mom o.k.?) the reason she still crys for you at night might be because you keep going to comfort her. Let her cry it out. (sooner said than done
))
Hope this helps
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we are catholic so the girls attend mass with us! i take along stuff to entertain my 2 year old! is there a way she can just attend church with you??
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I do not know how large your church is but I would first try to find someone that Emily can warm up to and would be able to adjust to Sunday School with. This is as important for her as it is for you and your husband to go to worship together.
As far as working out, you need your time and if this is your time then so be it. I know what it feels like to leave your child crying for others to take care of but I also know what it is like to care for that child that has been left in my care that doesn’t want to be there. These are small parts of life that are hard but yet necessary.
I wish I had an absolute solution to give you but there isn’t one. All children are different and will adjust in their time, not ours.
There really needs to be some separation times or it will just be harder the older she gets and I truly believe that Sunday School is the most important one and your work out time is also a good one. I would talk to the Sunday School Administrator as well as the Day Care Administrator where you work out, just to make sure you are on the same page and not in a different book all together.
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Hi, Amy:
I haven’t dealt with this as a parent to this extreme, but, I was a preschool teacher and saw this. I would ask each parent to bring in a picture of them to let thier child hold while they were gone. Then after telling thier child that they would be back to pick them up, and that they loved them, I had the parents leave. It makes it harder on the child and the parent, if you linger and keep coming back for one more hug and so on.
In my opinion, I wouldn’t stop worshipping with your husband, because eventually, is going to learn that her parents will always come back for her. This is an important lesson for her to learn and she will. (this goes the same for you working out. You need this time alone)
Have you read the book The Kissing Hand with her? After reading this book a few times with her, hopefully, you’ll be able to kiss the palm of her hand and she will feel like you are always with her.
Good luck… I hope this helps.
Jodi
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She sounds like my Ryan (with the exception of the sleeping part – he’s always been a good sleeper). At 5.5, I’ve left him one time for about 45 minutes (with someone other than grandparents). He is getting better; when we are together with friends or at a MOMS club function, he will go and play without being right by my side. But he still checks in frequently to see that I’m where I was the last time he checked. A year ago, he wouldn’t even do this. I had to be within his eyesight or he would sit at my feet. So it IS getting better, but he is nowhere near my 3 year old (who could care less if Mom’s there or not)!
Which I had some actual advice; I think with some children it’s just a process. At church, we just started bringing him in the service with us. That was the only choice if we were to go together (our church only had one service).
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My first didn’t sleep properly for the first two years. She didn’t want to go to the church nursery for the first three years. We started mothers day out one day a week shortly before she turned four and even though she had been begging to go to school, it was quite awhile before the separation was easy.
My second and third were the complete opposite. The second did go through a period where she didn’t want to separate but she got over it earlier.
What we did was to not push her too hard. I was totally exhausted during the first several years of her life, but she has become very confident in herself and has little problem separating now. So there is hope in sight.
What kind of people are working at the gym and church nursery? For us it made a huge difference that the first outside the family place that we left her happy was the church nursery that was run by a woman who was absolutely wonderful with children and who also volunteered very consistently. Our daughter wasn’t surprised by constant changes in caregivers. Sometimes churches are plagued by high turnover and poor training in the nursery and if that’s the case then its not worth trying in my opinion. For a child like this you need their experiences to be with someone who is very consistent and is willing to make an investment in them.
In my experience, pushing children like this away before they are ready leads to more clinginess.
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Thank you guys for being so helpful- here are some of the answers to your questions…
Emily can attend service with us, but the service we go to doesn’t have any kids in it. The non-traditional style of worship service has more kids in it, but we really prefer and feel like we get more out of the traditional service. Switching services so she could be with us could be an option- it is just not the ideal service for us and the time is late in the morning.
The problem is that the volunteers are different each time we attend. I think they have volunteers scheduled two weeks at a time so every two weeks it is a new face and this is why she gets upset. The same with the workout place. I have found a day though where she knows someone and there are no other kids back there so she does better with this one day then she would with the random people that might be back there.
As for letting her cry it out, I agree. The thing is that we are trying to do that and she has enormous willpower that I have never seen in a child before. She will literally cry from her bedtime until five or six in the morning without stopping
It is hard to listen to and it affects the sleep and behavior of my son as well 
We have talked to our doctor about it and they said some children just don’t sleep (which is not helpful in the least). We do not go in there and she will cry until eleven at night. I have my husband go in and give her a glass of water and then she will go to sleep. We walk on eggshells though because she is a light sleeper and wakes up very easily, setting off another round of screaming for us.
All of your advice is so appreciated!
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Hi, I haven’t had exactly the same problem as you. My two older children were very shy but coped with seperation reasonably well. That is, they cried when I left or they knew I was going but stopped shortly after. (only left with teir Omi who they loved.) The youngest had even less anxiety until after her Omi died when she was three and a half. She is now 14 and still suffers from seperation anxiety, exacerbated by the family breakup. I have learnt not to force the situation. She makes her moves when she is ready. Try putting yourself in her shoes. You have a great fear of being left. Will it get better or worse by being repeated constantly until you begin to panic at the mere mention of the situation. I know that I have been through too much stress in my life and more only increases it rather than decreases it. Many children are not text book children and need to be treated differently to others. There is no perfect solution but I hope you can find one which helps both you and your little one. With kind regards Cherrie
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I think that the best route is to go with what works. So far, it doesn’t sound like “letting her cry” works.
We have five (almost six) children, and different methods work for different seasons and different kids. 2 1/2 is still a little one.
Would letting her go to sleep on the floor in your room or your son’s room make a difference to her?
What if she got to tour the gym where you workout so that she could know what you’re doing?
My kids have sat through “traditional” church just fine. Each has a clipboard and paper and pencil. If she really hates being in Sunday School, she may just be stellar in the service.
Have you been able to track what it is that bothers you? Is it really a fear that you won’t come back or is it something else?
Please take all this with a grain of salt. I am no expert, by any stretch of the imagination.
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I felt like I had to come back and say a few more things.
Everyone who is saying that it will get worse when she gets older if you force separation. That’s total bs. Our culture is totally obsessed with pushing early independence. As for crying it out, just google “cry it out cortisol” to see what *science* says about the affects of doing that to your little one. She’s only two and a half. Can you wrap your mind around what it must be like for her? Be gentle with her!
This is only a time in your life. I promise that it will pass. I’ve been there.
Also, any chance of going to different services for a while while volunteering in the nursery during the other service? My husband has often volunteered in the nursery and it has made the transition easier for all of our kids.
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First off, I say trust your mommy instincts. You know what your daughter needs. It’s a delicate ballence making sure that everyone in the family gets their needs met. But all that said, she is so young and she might just have more intense attachment needs right now.
I didn’t read the other responses, but my philosophy is that if you meet their needs when they are little (emotional needs as well as physical) they will learn to trust and feel secure as they grow older. If we are always pushing them away when they are little and NEED us so much they are always grabbing for more attention. This can be a very bad thing when they get to be teenagers, right?
We have some boundries set up and have had to try a lot of different things to work on the sleep issues. Have you heard of the book “No Cry Sleep Solution” by Elizabeth Pantley? There is a toddler version of the book too. The baby one helped me a lot when DS was a baby. Her approach is kind and respectful to the child’s needs and stage of development. We coslept for awhile and it worked for us. We ALL slept better. And when that wasn’t the case anymore we changed it. I am in the camp that believes the research that says cry-it-out methods of sleep training are not healthy for little ones.
This is a super long response, but I just want to encourage you that you are a good mom. All kids are different with unique personalities and needs. What works for one, might not work for another and that’s OK. You are a good mom to care and to try and do right by her even if that means some personal sacrifice in the meantime.
As far as church goes, would she be content to sit with you in the pew and color or do another quiet activity? That way you could still go to church as a family and she might actually learn to “enjoy” going to church herself.
I’d be wary to give up exercise altogether. Is there any way you could go another time during the day so she could stay with Daddy or a grandparent? (Isn’t it ironic that we teach our children not to talk to strangers, but we expect them to be happy as a clam when we leave them with one for an hour?)
Who knows, in a couple months, she might feel more secure and you can ease into leaving her more. This too shall pass!
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Amy, so much rang true as I read your post. My son is 7 and my daughter is 5 years old, and I will say that sleeping through the night was a long time coming, but it came. My son was easier, with my daughter we had to lie in bed with her until she was asleep (even at 3.5-4 years old!), then at about 4.5 years we were replaced with stuffed animals. Many stuffed animals keep her feeling snug and safe. And it keeps her sleeping through the night, so it’s fine with me. As for separation at church and gym, you’ve got to do it. I felt that my son was more outgoing b/c he went to day care, but with my daughter I was home, so she wasn’t acclimated at a young age like my son. Not sure that’s true, but she has come around now that she’s a big 5 year old. And Emily will, too. Keep the goodbye’s short and sweet. Don’t let her see you anxious or feeling guilty. That’s her que to pile it on. And the people watching her are used to kids being upset, so they’ll handle it. Good luck. It will improve, I promise!
Laura
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oh I just read your response. LOL
We go to a traditional church and there are children in the service sometimes. No one minds as long as they are quiet. If they are not, the parents just remove them. I think I remember someone saying that back in the Old Testament days there were no children’s services. Children were expected to sit in the hours long adult services and hear the Word of God along with everyone else. Who could deny that that would be a good thing!
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Mama K- Thank you for that sweet comment. I have not heard of that book before so I will try to get it at the library. I am open to any solution that makes things better for us right now.
I have definitely switched the exercise routine a lot to help this situation. I started out going four days a week, but now I only take one class a week and take her with me when I babysit for my hour of time (I get the membership free if I babysit one hour each week). I try to go in the evenings instead, I just really love being home with my husband when he gets home from work and had intended this to be my little morning break from the kiddos.
Crying it out is a tough subject, isn’t it? I know people often feel passionate one way or the other on this topic. Ethan cried two nights for fifteen minutes and slept through the night. Emily has never cried it out ever. So different!
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Oh, it’s hard! You have some great advice already. Give some of those suggestions a try. Remember, the caregivers at church and the gym are more emotionally detached and can handle the crying more than mommy. I’ve been a childrens pastors wife for 11 years and she’ll change. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re a good mom with a little girls that just likes being with you. For the night thing, dude, you’re just going to have to walk away. If she gets out of bed, for the first few times say, “No, honey, it’s bed time. Stay in your bed.” The after about 2 nights of that then don’t talk to her, just take her hand and put her back in bed.
I would stand outside my kids room and wait. I’d take her hand, lay her back down and we did this for a few days. Don’t lay with her.
I gotta tell you, this parenting gig is hard! You’re doing great!
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Laura- That is very similar to my children. I worked full-time Ethan’s first year, and he went to school at two (because he had a speech delay). He has always been more well-adjusted about being away from me.
Emily has had me 24/7 and other than church and a workout, she has never not had mommy. She will stay with one set of grandparents though and I am so grateful for that, otherwise, I might have to be locked up in the looney bin
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Jodi beat me to it-I was going to suggest “The Kissing Hand” book.
Good luck.
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Our younger daughter is clingier than our oldest but the younger one has had more of me than the older one (I still worked but only part-time when she was young). At 15 and 12, the younger one still requires more of mommy. When she was small she carried a special blanket everyone (still sleeps with it). Does Emily have a special blanket or stuffed animal that could comfort her? And for church, we started keeping the girls with us in the pew when the youngest was 2. I packed activity bags for church; it was hard at first but as they got older they were kids that knew how to behave in a church pew. In hindsight I think it was a blessing; we didn’t have to teach them to be quiet when they were older. Hang in there. Everything will work out in due time.
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Amy,
I admire you. You are really trying to find solutions that meet everyone’s needs and that is a huge task!
I’ll throw my two cents in with the few who are telling you not to let her cry it out. I would certainly hate to be upset even at my age and hear my husband tell someone , “I’d go comfort her, but she needs to learn to do it herself.” Ouch!
Another idea about church. Do you have an older child you can find to be a “mommy’s helper”? I had a couple at different times in my children’s lives. Someone 9 – 11 who was good with kids but too young to really babysit. They would come play with my kids while I was home and let me get some work done. I was right in the house so I was always available. Then, if this worked, maybe the older child could go stay with your daughter during church and be a more constant person for her. The changing every two weeks would be hard for some kids.
Good luck. My oldest leave for college in one year and I’m thankful they still need me!
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Hopefully, it will be comforting to you to hear that from my place of 39 11/12 years of wisdom (HA!), it sounds like you are in a difficult season b/c of her age and her personality. My 3 y.o. boy is still in that stage between baby and big kid and learning how to and being afraid to separate. I think you are on the right track in looking for ways to compromise to give you your time but also helping her to learn to separate from you and develop her confidence that things are OK and you will come back. It is definitely not easy. I am growing weary of it. My daughter was worse in some ways (the sleeping, esp.!), but she also enjoyed interaction w/ her peers more than my son does. I don’t have any specific advice other than to keep reminding yourself that it is temporary and that you are on the right track. And pray a lot!
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As you are realizing- no two kids are alike, at least in my experience! I can’t compare or expect my other children to be anything like each other. So many different needs and emotions, and even different ways they need to be loved. It will probably take some trial and error- and just posting about it like this shows that you are working it out… you might have to try a couple different things until you find the right fit. And also, you may just have to look at it as a time where you let things run their course- and wait until she’s ready.
Steph
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Every child is different. Meet her where she is at. She really will “leave the nest” when she is ready. To force her out before she is ready will likely cause some long term emotional scars. I promise she will not still be clinging to you at 18!
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Is she in a crib or a bed? Red Chief sleeps much better since he moved into a bed. He loves it, and if he wants to get up and get a book or anything, he can, so he doesn’t get bored if he can’t sleep. We don’t leave a light on, though, so he usually goes to sleep really well.
Of course, this only works if she wants a bed. Red Chief hated beds until he wanted one.
Have you thought of volunteering for a few months in your church nursery to help her get comfortable there? Then you can see what she has a hard time with and help her learn the skills she needs to cope.
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She is still in a crib and that is the next step that we are going to try to do in the next couple of weeks. I am hopeful that this might help at night with her too.
As for volunteering, I do volunteer at the workout place and it is really hard because she freaks out if I help another child or hold anyone else. She is glued into me the entire time and it makes it hard to help the other kids. If I have to take someone to the bathroom she screams bloody murder. I don’t know if I would be very successful at teaching children if she acts like this. I am sure we could try it, I am really at a stage right now where I really need the sermons
As selfish as that might sound, I really benefit from the worship and it refocuses me for the week.
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My twins were the same way. I couldn’t leave them anyplace. They’d cry and scream for mommy! i put them in a very nice little toddler program for 2 hrs., 3 x a week and I volunteered. That seemed to help them become more comfortable. I’d leave the room for a few minutes longer each day, or have another volunteer help one with a craft. they finally outgrew theri mommy depencancy right before they started Kindergarten. All children are different, I’m sure that your Emily will pass through this phase when she’s ready. I would do what you feel is right in your heart. Our children grow up fast enough!
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Have you tried stop watches/timers? Get a cheap pair and explain to her that you are going to set both of them to a certain time/have the start at the same time and that you will be back at X time. Show her that you have one and she has one so you are both keeping the same time. I would first practice around the house first for small increments. Have her work on various tasks or play time for 10 minute increments. Show her the timers and explain that when it gets to a certain point, it will be time for something else. Start using them for everything from getting ready in the morning to shopping to making dinner. Slowly start incorporating separation with them — I want you to play here for 10 minutes while mommy sits on the bench over there. Eventually you will be able worship and workout without issues.
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I have a son who was just like her. I let him/helped him/ coaxed him to grow out of it but it was painful for him and me. First, I did not overdo leaving him but I did put him in situations. Go work out and go to church but try many different things with her. Talk to her about it over and over. She may not be able to tell you why but the more you talk the better it will get.
With my son, the more games or challenges I gave him the better the situation was. So here are some things I did. Like I said it was trial and error.
1. Gave him a camera (cheap) to take pics of to tell me what happened when we got back together.
2. I tried the watch thing too but he was not good with time.
3. “Paid” him to babysit a doll or something else/someone else while I was gone. I paid him in Pokemon cards or suckers or pennies!
4. Had his big sister help out & distract him.
5. Gave him a set of keys supposedly to the car or anything else to hold onto & he could drive (sit in my lap) when we got back together.
6. I packed him a backpack of special things for him to carry with a note & picture OR a little photo album to show the sitter.
Like I said just talking & trying new things until you find what works. Sometimes you have to switch it up. I never pushed him too much.
The nightime thing was harder but we finally came to an agreement just a few years ago. It is closet light on, blankie under the pillow, door shut & shades shut.
NOW he is 10 1/2 years old & now I miss my baby who needed me so much.
Good luck!
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Amy, I feel your pain. My son is about the same age, and we can’t leave him anywhere. He is terrified of being alone in his room to fall asleep. He’s in a bed now, but he started climbing out of his crib when he was not quite a year old.
As far as church, we go to a fairly tradidtional service. A few children attend. He’s learned to play quietly in the pew. Snacks help.
I’m appreciating all the advice in these comments.
When it really starts to get to me, I remind myself that in ten years my “baby” won’t need me, so I might as well enjoy it now.
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I’m so sorry you have to go thru this, but I’m glad to know it isn’t just my daughter. She was like that at church when we started to take her to the nursery. At our church they have the same staff in there each week, so she was able to bond to them. After about a month she was doing much better. Now she loves to go there and she has really bonded to certain staff members. She practically flies out of my arms when we get there and then I have to pry her out of there when we leave. I wonder if they had a more regular staff at your church if she would adjust better? Good luck and I hope things improve soon.
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This is a subject that could drive anyone bonkers after a few days! My 3 year old, normally social daughter has become clingy again in the past month or so, and a couple of things have helped us ease the separation anxiety:
- when we go out, I let her pick one of her toys or stuffed animal to take with her. this is super helpful when she has to take a nap somewhere else (and then i also take her blankie) or is going somewhere unfamiliar. this also helps with my infant son – smelling/holding something from home when he’s in a strange place helps him sleep, i think.
- i bought a cheap $10 desk fan (the cheaper the better, because that usually means they’re noisy!) for each of my kids’ rooms. we live in a small duplex, and this helps drown out some of the noise at night and at naps. same effect as a white noise machine.
i’m not an expert by any means, Amy – just a mom with a couple of tricks up my sleeve that have worked for me. good luck!
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Amy – we have 2 boys. Our oldest, who is 4, takes medicine for a seizure disorder. Last summer, his neurologist changed his medicine. He was suddenly aware of much more than he had ever been before. Going to church became a nightmare. he started wailing when we pulled into the parking lot. My husband and I decided that church was very important to both of us and not going was not a choice. We were going to church. So we went Sunday morning and night and Wednesday night and took Jack every time. We sent him to his class. It took a while, but now he is happy about going to his class.
It is so hard, but I believe you have to pick what you are willing to give on and what you aren’t. One other thing. We go to a relatively small church and children are all over the place, so that makes it quite a bit easier, however, I always sent Jack to his class rather than with me, but some parents keep theirs with them.
My best advice is to pray about it. The Lord surely wants you and husband to worship. He also wants your children to learn about Him at a young age. I’ll keep you in my prayers as well.
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Amy-
It sounds to me like you already know that you need a break. Trust that instinct. You will not do your sweet child any long lasting harm leaving her to her own devices twice week for such brief periods of time!!! If you need a break and she is unhappy without you so be it. Her caretakers can deal with her tears. It’s not like she’s in harms way and you are not going to send her into therapy by letting her be upset for (again) such a short period of time. She will be fine and I strongly encourage you to continue to do what you are doing by taking care of yourself by going to church and working out. You should be VERY proud of yourself for being such a good mom by taking care of yourself. No one else is going to do it for you and you take care of your kids, husband and household 24/7. If I don’t take breaks I don’t think as clearly, I don’t have enough energy to do what needs to get done and I am much more inclined to snap at my sweet family. I’m sorry that Emily is making this so hard for you. I know she’ll grow out of it and I’m sure that you are a wonderful parent to her. This too shall pass.
Lisa
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I thought of something else. Our church always needs volunteers for wee church (our kids’ classes during worship hour). Could you volunteer to do that every two weeks (or whatever the rotation)? You might get to know the other teachers better and Emily might really enjoy you being her teacher.
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Amy,
I don’t blame Emily for wanting to be with you–you’re smart, funny, and creative! =)
I hope you get some good advice in these comments, but I also hope you’ll feel encouraged that you’re not alone!
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I also have a 2 1/2 yr old. For the first 3-4 weeks when I dropped him off in the nursery @ our church he would cry. It broke my heart; but I knew I was doing the right thing. Well, Last week when I took him and dropped him off, he walked right in and started playing with the other kids. Don’t give up on her. Make sure she feels comfortable with the other kids and/or teachers. Also talk it up like it is really fun. They totally go off of your emotions. If she sees that you think it is cool, pretty soon she will too! Good luck and don’t give up!
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My son is 5 and still has trouble at night and my daughter is 2 1/2 and is super clingy like Emily. Parenthood can be rough. I’ve read that the more you push separation, the more they will cling and I believe it. You shouldn’t feel like you are being manipulated when you give your child something they need. I’m a big fan of Dr. Sears, also I highly recommend the book Hold on to your kids: why parents should matter most. Like with anything nothing will suit you 100%, you just need to take what works for you and your family.
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I haven’t read any of the other comments yet (30+!) and I’ll admit I don’t have a daughter who struggles with this (yet?). But my first thought was when it comes to worship time, why don’t you take her with you? Her hating church seems like the bigger issue in that situation. Have some quiet toys, which I’m sure you’d be wonderful at coming up with, and start working on her being there. It isn’t necessarily easy, 2 1/2 year olds are wiggly. But what is worship without the little children He asks us to let come to Him? I’ll be praying for you as I help my almost 2 year old stay quiet enough :0)
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Okay, like someone else, I just read your comments after posting. I also go to a more traditional/liturgical service and we have no kids programs until after service. So all the kids are there. There are some very crazy days, with moms and dads taking turns with noisy kids. But now that we have worked through a lot of the “how to behave in service” issues, it is a blessing to have her there, worshipping or playing quietly.
Totally without knowing her, I would imagine Emily will be just fine without other kids in the same service. Learning about God in a place that doesn’t freak you out sound like a long term benefit for all involved.
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My daughter Erin is just about to turn 5 and has always been “slow to warm up”. I have always acted very casual and never made a big deal about her shyness. When she started preschool this past fall I went in with her everyday for the first couple of months. At first I felt almost guilty-was I supposed to let her just cry? The teacher seemed to think so. But then I thought about it and decided that, since I had no where else that I needed to be, why couldn’t I be with her until she felt more comfortable. I consider it a blessing that I am able to slowly guide her into independence. She went to a really great preschool with good kids/teachers but kids are still kids and being there I could see first hand what was going on and then was able to talk with her about how to properly handle situations. I don’t think “crying it out” is the right thing to do for our children. They are able to aquire more self confidence when they know that they can depend on us to be there for them. Take turns with your husband going to the gym or you could both go at the same time and bring her. One goes into the child care area with her (and hangs out while she gets used to it and has fun) the other works out. Then switch. After a while she will get to know certain staff members and kids and will then feel more comfortable doing it on her own. I would also bring her into church with you. Bring something to keep her occupied and stay as long as you can. God will be glad that you are teaching your child by example and won’t be mad if you have to leave early a few times. As far as sleep issues we co-sleep. When Erin was born she started out in a bassinet but just wouldn’t stay asleep. Also having to get up every 1-2 hours to nurse her was exhausting! I started bringing her into our bed and she has been there ever since. I have done quite a bit of reading on the subject of co-sleeping and it seems to work for many people around the world. As a matter of fact people who put their children into a seperate room to sleep are not only the minority but it was actually not heard of not too long ago. My daughter doesn’t think that she is conroling me or winning. We don’t even discuss that there might be an alternative. And you shouldn’t have to either. Take her into the childcare area and before she can even react say “come on lets go play!” she will be so relieved and excited she won’t think twice about why you are doing it. As for the co-sleeping, I know that its not for everyone. It works for us. Maybe it could work for you to. It might take a while to get used to three in a bed but when you do you will end up getting much better sleep. All in all we don’t use alot of babysitters and we do quite a bit more family oriented things but I really believe that this way of parenting has created a very close and special bond that many parents end up missing out on. Every day Erin gets that much more independent and I have the uttmost confidence that when she turns eighteen she will off doing her own thing and I will WISH I could go back to the days of cuddling in bed or watching her build a fort with her friends at preschool. Good luck and do what feels right to you as a Mom.
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Amy, my second child of four was just like that. I just don’t think there are any easy solutions. We just kind of hung on through the seperation anxiety. Church was the worst for us. Although he had bad seperation anxiety, he slept well at least. My fourth is my first child that still wakes up at night at 2 so I am feeling your pain. Kids are all so different. I am amazed that God could send my husband and I 4 children that are so different. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone.
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Amy, I’m sorry for your struggles. It is clear that your heart hurts from this situation. I have one suggestion that would work for all of the situations that you described above. I am not an educator, but this is something my educator friend has suggested and it works well in anxiety-inducing situations. The idea is to tell a “social story” – basically, you preview what’s going to happen for the child. Multiple times is good.
So for example, before you go to church, you can explain that you’re all going to church. Mommy and Daddy will go into the big church. Ethan and Emily will go to Sunday school while Mommy and Daddy are in church. Ethan will go with [insert friends' names] to one classroom. Emily will go with [insert friends' names and if possible, teacher's name] to a different classroom. In class, you’ll learn about [insert applicable subject - call ahead of time to ask what will be taught if necessary]. Emily and Ethan will also [insert applicable activity]. When that’s over, Mommy and Daddy will meet Emily and Ethan in the hallway.
Repeat this story several times, with as much detail as possible. You can do something similar at bedtime. My three-year-old is pretty good about letting me go, but sometimes has difficulty. For instance, sometimes when I’m leaving him at school he’ll say no, so I’ll give him a run down of the rest of his day, ending with, And then Mommy will come to pick you up and we’ll go home together. I think there’s just something inherently reassuring about knowing what to expect, knowing that there will be an end to whatever the uncomfortable situation is, and knowing that Mom and Dad will there at the end to take them home.
I’m sorry this got so long. It does take a little practice to get used to telling the social stories, but they are very useful. Hope that helps and good luck!
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Wow, thank you guys SO MUCH for all of these amazing and well-thought responses. I am going to pray really hard about this and try some of your ideas. I will definitely follow-up next week with what we think is best for our family and share our experience.
I grow so much from each of you- thank you for being so willing to share. I have been so frustrated and sad about this- it means a lot that you would take time out of your busy schedules to share some solutions for me. I debated over and over again whether or not to share this. I love Emily so much and she means the world to me, I am just frustrated with this stage right now.
I sometimes feel like I hit the lottery though with the best readers in the world! Thank you!
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Just wanted to say my daughter is 3 and a half and still wakes up at least once a night. She slept through the night the first time as a present to me on her 2nd birthday. Very strong willed, “doesn’t need so much sleep” could cry forever. That’s why I only have one!
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Well, you certainly received many comments on this subject. So, I hope you don’t mind me adding my 2 cents. My daughter will be 4 at the end of August. We co-slept with her 99% of the time since she was born. Recently, it has been less as she sometimes opts to be in her own big bed. We have never had sleep issues. I’m not saying this is for everyone. One day my husband and I will want our bed back to ourselves. This has worked best for us so far. Like I said, she seems to be deciding that she can sleep on her own more and more now. We also have a bedtime routine that includes bath, story or one PBS show, and always lullabies. It’s kind of funny because she will NOT let me wimp out on singing the same songs every night…it must really comfort her to have that routine. As far as separation anxiety, I have found that my child goes through stages of more or less separation anxiety. Usually it is brought on by a change, no matter big or small. For example, Mommy started dropping her off at daycare instead of Daddy. She cried and clung to me like a baby. They told me she never did that when Daddy dropped her off. So, we read “Oh My Baby, My Little One” together. Now, when I drop her off we put our “love” in each other’s pocket (like they talk about in the book) and off she goes without a fuss. Sunday School is new for us, so I am “shopping around” for a church where she and I both feel comfortable. Last one we tried, she cried until they brought her to me and she fell asleep in my arms during the service. I guess I’ll just keep trying until we find the right combination. Thanks for the great connection and sorry I went so long. God Bless your family.
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Amy–
I really know what your going through. My middle child would get so upset when left in the church nursery she would hyperventilate or throw up and sleep was a continual struggle. Everyone gave me advice and told me what I was doing wrong. In the end I have learned to tune out other people and listen to my child’s needs and my needs. I found books by Dr. Sears (I believe his term is high need child) very helpful. I also found Dan Allender’s “How children raise their parents” helpful.
On a practical side, I found my daughter was more comfortable when left with a sitter at home then in any type of nursery. I also paid to have a sitter come when I was home the first few times to make her more comfortable.
Sleep eventually leveled off with us when I out a sleeping bag at the foot of my bed. The deal was she must go to sleep in her own bed but she could come get in the sleeping bag if she awoke in the middle of the night(being very quiet like a mouse to not wake mommy because mommy would be grumpy in the morning if she did not get enough sleep).
Don’t stay home keep going to church, keep working out, keep trying new things with your daughter. It is not about what you do, or don’t do, or parenting mistakes you have made, but about you and your daughter- she is simply wired differently. With enough love and reassurance she will outgrow it. My daughter is now six and does great, the turning point for us was when I just started doing what felt right to me.
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Our twins (boys) are 3 months younger than Emily. One is resally clingy and needs almost no sleep to function. He was the sleeper early on and would sleep 10 hours straight. Now, they have switched roles.
It is so hard. To make matters worse, we had kept them out of precschool/daycare for the first 2 years beacuse of their health/prematurity issues. Just last week they started preschool. It has been so hard. John is quite clingy and cries when I first leave, then he is fine within 5 minutes.
They have both picked up a cold there and it makes it worse.
You are a great Mommy……..go with your heart. Ask God for help……again. He will see you through. I am praying for you sweet friend!
Blessings!!!!
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I know that you posted this quite a while ago, but something similar happened to me today and I remembered your post and wanted to come back and leave a comment. I think its really important that you continue to do the things that are important to you even if they mean a difficult separation from your daughter. I just read in an advice column (entitled Dear Amy, ironically) about a woman whose grown children have no appreciation for her despite the fact that she always sacrificed herself for them when they were children. I think its very important that we teach our children that others, including their parents, have needs also. This is the first step in instilling empathy and compassion into our kids. Keep up what you’re doing and maybe try switching off with your husband when it comes time to drop her off before worship. It probably won’t make it any easier on your daughter but then at least only one of you at a time has to deal with the guilt. Whatever you do, don’t do what I just did and buy her a Barbie doll to cheer her up.
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