I cracked open this book and was prepared to learn how to manage my time better. In my head, I had envisioned all of the ways that I could manage my day in a more effective way. For example, I could get up by four in the morning, like other bloggers I read, and start my day off with a brisk bit of exercise, breakfast, and some really hard work before my children get up. Then I could reserve their naps for time to catch up on the house, laundry, and bills. Then I could spend the afternoon cooking and catering to everyone’s needs. And then I could collapse into utter oblivion…because I don’t know how people get up at four in the morning. Or five in the morning. Heck, six sounds too early to me. We can see the beginnings of why I don’t manage my time well. I am a late riser and I require oodles of sleep. Sleep has trumped a lot of things in my life and I just can’t picture me being a real go-getter in the morning.
As I begin to read though, one of the first things the book said was that it “was not a book on time-management, it was a book on not being busy.” Did you feel a chill in the air like I did? What? Not be BUSY? But this is my life. No, I want a book that is going to teach me that busyness is good and perfectly acceptable, but that I just need to manage my busyness more effectively.
That is when I realized how deeply rooted my problem had become. The author says, “I valued achievement more highly than joy, which led to speeding toward the finish line of every project, goal, or task without regard for the gift the journey. I had bought into the belief that taking on more work, projects, or activities validated my worth, abilities, and potential. Certainly there is nothing wrong with being industrious, but beware when busyness becomes a self-esteem substitute.”
Yes, I am admitting that feeling busy makes me feel important and I get a high from it. It feels good to be validated by others and to offer my opinions and insights. I think that this really started when I became an at-home mom and it felt good to hear that other grown-ups respected what I had to say and that I had a valuable opinion. Being pooped on and peed on certainly wasn’t making me feel good, but if I had a full calendar…well, I was popular! If my schedule was jam-packed, this proved that I had friends, and lots of them!
But could I possibly build any meaningful friendships if I am only able to pencil my friends in once a month? Did anyone ever get all of me if all I was thinking about was the next engagement or the next thing I had to do? I am realizing how bad this really is.
The author suggests making a new declaration that you can work towards while working through her book.
Declaration of My Personal Lifestyle
1. I only engage in activities that reflect what really matters to me.
2. I take all of my vacation time every year.
3. I make a heart-to-heart connection every day with someone I care about.
4. I honor my body’s need for rest.
5. I have fun at least once a week.
6. I eat at regular intervals and at a slow pace.
7. I find enjoyable ways to exercise at least three times per week.
8. I do not allow technology to consume my time, but use it to maximize my time.
9. I say no to activities that do not pass my “personal priority test.”
10. I listen to my inner voice when making decisions.
Just looking at this list, I can tell you exactly what is going to be a problem for me. #1,6,7,8,9, & 10. I don’t eat like I should, I don’t exercise regularly, I can’t say no, my computer is a major time sucker, and I rethink my inner voice all of the time to please others.
What things on this list would be hard for you? Where do you struggle when it comes to busyness? Here’s a tough one…does busyness boost your self-esteem? (You can sign in anonymously as always!)
Amy,
Thanks for keeping it real in this post. I understand what you’re saying when you talk about busyness *seeming* like a validation of your worth. I sometimes feel that way, too, even though I know it’s not an accurate indicator of value.
I don’t ever want friends and family to think I’m too busy to talk with them or be with them. I’m trying to find a balance between getting things done and being with people, because sometimes crossing an item off the to-do list is really appealing, but it’s not always the best thing.
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Hmm. Wow. I just always considered myself Type A, and “productive”. I pride myself on multi-tasking. But your post struck a chord with me. I feel like a failure when I don’t accomplish everything on a “list”. Sometimes I feel like a failure when I don’t even make a list!
I work part time, and I’m home the other days. I have a 1 1/2 year old, and a baby due July. I AM ALWAYS BUSY DOING SOMETHING. I am also rarely happy.
Eating well and slowly is hard for me. I also allow technology to consume me sometimes.
I think I may go seek out this book. I sure could use a dose of peace.
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Wow, Amy, this is powerful stuff you’re talking about. It’s hard as a stay at home Mom to go from having validation at work to nearly none at all at home. (Hey Mom! I think you’re doing a great job! I’m giving you a 5% annual raise and a plaque!) I adore staying at home and raising my kids but it is a major culture shock to say the least. I think filling up our calendars is a great way to stay sharp and to feel validated by the outside world. The trick is to not go overboard…
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Ginger- I so appreciate your candidness. This is a tough topic and I feel, in a way, I am opening up a can of worms by admitting some of these things. BUT think how much better my life could be if I worked on these things and what a better mom I could be. I just couldn’t take the journey alone- I knew there had to be other moms that struggle with the busyness factor. Obviously, if there are books about it, it is something that other people struggle with too. As a mom, I do feel like there are times where our life gets so hectic that it is hard to get back to square one. At the same time, I know that I can let busyness in when it doesn’t have to be there. I think you would like the book- I am enjoying it so far.
Carrie- You are so good about your priorities! I admire you so much!!
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Amy, I’ve never really thought about busyness being a bad thing. As a stay at home mom the more full my calendar is the more productive I feel like I”m being. I”m trying to stay home more and spend more time with my kids just relaxing and having fun, but it’s not easy. THere are always so many things to do. By the way, I’m a sleeper too who has been “blessed” with 2 early risers. I don’t think my body will ever get used to cheerful children at 6:00 in the morning. Good luck!
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Wow – to realize I am not the only one who uses projects and busyness to keep myself occupied and validate my staying home with the kids is pretty amazing. I have been a “project” person since high school. You know, projects never leave you watching yet another Chick Flick on a Friday night, or tell you on Monday how much fun they had, but oops, they forgot to call you or whatever. That’s when my bad habit of always being busy and thereby having something to do started. I am going to have to go get this book so that I know how to overcome always having something to do. I love my projects and busyness, and it’s going to be tough to re-evaluate. But I’m glad to know I’m among friends! The eating one is definitely going to be my downfall, and so is exercise (even though I have been diagnoised with crazy high cholesterol, especially considering I’m only in my mid twenties!).
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This is a great reminder!! i just recently heard a speaker talk about this issue and how we in American….talk about how busy we are as a badge of honor. The first thing we talk about when we run into someone in the grocery store “Oh I am so busy – how about you?” I know that it can be tough if you have children and a job whether in the home or outside – but who are we doing “things” for?? and what is our attitude???? Are we playing the marter??? Are we doing things just so we can talk about how stressed we are?? I NEVER ask someone how they spend their time….but I have found that now that I have retired from broadcasting and work from my home….people actually say to me “what do you do all day?” Smiling and counting my blessings is a wonderful way to “stay busy”…I thank God that I have my moblity, my sight, my hearing all giving my the ability to conect with people.God bless, Pam, South Bend
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For me the struggle isn’t the need to feel busy. I can keep my self busy enough. But the number of requests to volunteer. (Guess what being a dependable volunteer gets you! More requests for your help!) I want to make sure so many things work out. But I can’t do it all. (Saying no to my son’s school’s Good News Club was particularly hard. I want there to be good news club next year. I can’t get it out of my head.) I looked at my schedule and between computer time and volunteer time I’m spending 25 hrs a week. Egads! (Something has to change.)
Thanks for bringing up this topic, I almost skipped it because I didn’t want to face it.
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This is interesting. When I resigned from my job a few years ago to stay at home, I was super-motivated and needed to have my schedule “full” to feel validated. I was even talking tonight about right after resigning and asking my friends how many times they mopped the floor, “1, 2 or 3 days a week – I’m thinking maybe 4 is enough.” I was just trying to find efficient and better ways to be that “domestic goddess.” And, they kindly told me not to discuss these things in from of their husbands
However, since having another baby (and losing a lot of sleep to boot), who had some health problems (Praise God, he’s OK now), I really try to stop and appreciate life more. I do usually no more than one activity a day outside the house (because of appreciation of family time, and because we’re pooped if we do more). I try to get things done, but the “things” are no longer my priority – my family, their health, and my personal relationships are. They can all be gone tomorrow and I want no regrets – and that’s easier said than done (and even easier for me because I’m domestically challenged and all).
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Often I accept invitations for things that I’m not completely interested in making my life more busy then normal. I can relate to busyness seeming like validation and pretty much I don’t like to just sit around. I like to be busy and will find things to keep me busy!
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I really enjoyed reading this post by you. In this world, I think being too harried is one of the main stresses on our mental and physical health!
The comment on the book being about
“not being harried” is a great one. How true. My biggest challenge is learning to say “No!” Please enter me in your drawing. I appreciate it. Thanks,Cindi
jchoppes[at]hotmail[dot]com
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