We are having a fun discussion on a rewards program that I have decided to start with my son. You can read our story here and our great day yesterday.
I did get some comments that I thought would be fun to discuss. Trust me, that if you do not agree with implementing a rewards system in your home that I completely respect that. After all, this is our first attempt trying something like this. What I had been doing was not working so that is why we are making these efforts.
Here were some of the questions that people had:
Question:
I had a question that maybe other commenters can help with. Does there come a time where the tangible rewards no longer matter so much and you phase out the charts, etc.? I’m thinking it may take a certain maturity level which would vary widely, I’m sure, but I just wasn’t sure if once you start this system you’ll be following it for years? Thanks!
Question:
This sounds wonderful and a lot of fun even. But I’m hesitant to try it for 3 reasons so I would LOVE to see more people post how this works out for them.
1) What do you do when tickets aren’t enough incentive? Those days compliance just isn’t happening? I’d still have to build a whole lot of “just in case” time into our routine?
2) Would this undo the things my son does just because he knows its right to do and make him start thinking there should be a reward for every little thing? When I was having a back problem it was really painful to buckle ds into his booster seat so I bribed him with a toy he’d been wanting (a pokemon ball) – “if you buckle yourself into the car every trip for a week you can have it.” A plan born of desperation when I realized I couldn’t lean over and pull the buckle across him when I needed to be somewhere and my back was spazzing and I knew he could but was being difficult. When it came time to go pick it out he wanted two. I told him no but he could figure out a way to earn the other one and all of a sudden he wanted to earn it simply by doing things he’s been doing “right” all along. So I set another challenge – tying his shoes. For this I pick behaviors/skills I’m pretty sure he is totally capable of but being stubborn about. So when the week of belt-buckling was over and he tried to regress it was “Nu-uh, no way mister, I KNOW you can do it.”
3) Is there burn-out with this? My son had a chore chart to earn some things he was pestering me for. It lasted about a week and then he didn’t want the things anymore. And when we were taking away toys because he wouldn’t pick them up he could earn them back by having a no-timeout day at school but then he wised up, quit losing the toys by cleaning up always but school is still if-y. He even can earn $ for helpful things (beyond things he should be doing for himself anyway) but he just doesn’t care about some of that stuff so I find myself having to constantly reinvent praises, consequences, etc. so I’ve gotten to the point I seem severe because I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I think maybe thats why I like this plan – easy to update and adapt and keep “interesting”?
I don’t like where we are though so I’m willing to give anything a try. So I’ll be watching this one!
Question:
So what happens when he gets older and is simply doing what he is supposed to, and doesn’t get a reward? Should doing those things that are basic daily living activities come with any reward other than that which the activity itself gives? Life deals positive and negative reinforcements, whether we like it or not. Shouldn’t the discipline of our children be similar? The idea of making the good and bad consequences known for a task seems to make much more sense for me. Where there is no risk, there is no reward.
My Answer:
I just want to begin by stating that this program and techniques were backed after years and years of research and come straight from the 2008 president of the American Psychological Association and head of the Yale Parenting Center.
This system is focusing on a defiant child who does not want to cooperate in the home. It is meant to reinforce positive behavior in your child.
Our children will all one day have to go out in the real world and get a job. When my son goes to his job, he will be paid for his hard work. If he doesn’t go to work, he will lose money and not be able to buy the things he wants. This is the same with this ticket program and will teach him that he will be rewarded for the good things he does, not only with the tickets which will earn him the right to gain a privilege in the home, but also that he will be praised and recognized for the good stuff he is doing. It is a form of positive parenting and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to be a positive mommy. What I was doing was not working for me.
If the idea of “you do what you are supposed to” works for people, I am all for that! We are talking about parenting a five year old child who isn’t doing anything he is supposed to and can become volatile at times when he is forced to do things. I don’t intend to give him tickets when he is a teenager, but I think a ticket or reward system is ideal for giving our children the building blocks they need to learn how to behave. My hope is that through a program like this (again with years of research backed on it) that my child will grow up into a successful young man who was raised in a positive environment. Who can fault a family for that?
And what seem daily living activities to us (for example, going to school) are difficult for my son and I am teaching him a positive reward for doing the things he doesn’t like or does not want to do. We are teaching him how rewarding it can be to do what we are supposed to!
I would definitely recommend checking out the book, if you are truly interested, because it explains it a lot better than I ever could!
I also want to add that the book does have chapters devoted towards negative behavior and how to deal that. For our age range, it is a time-out where they get no attention at all. Another negative consequence is not getting any tickets or attention for doing bad things.
These ideas are based on behaviorism, which is a theory developed by Skinner (forgetting his first name). Punishment and Rewards (really the same things, because a lack of reward is a punishment) do work, that is why they are so widely used and accepted. We often do not even question them.
There is question though of how they work. Are people doing things out of fear (either of punishment, or lack of getting what they want)? Are you teaching your child (or employee, or student, because these are the main methods used in these areas) it is only worth doing something if you get something?
Are you learning how to live by following your own conscious, because you want to do something, or because of some external reward?
There is a great book by Alphie Kohn called Punished By Rewards that gives one a lot to think about.
When you have grown up (and I’m including myself here) with behaviorism as a back drop, it can be really difficult to not let this theory influence how you parent. When I actually sat down and read Skinner’s ideas, I knew I definitely did not want to use his theories in my home. Going back to the source of things is very eye opening sometimes. I still struggle with using punishment and rewards when I’m stressed out and/or frustrated (which is a lot of the time), but more and more I find myself using other means of teaching and leading my children, and these other ways always end up working so much better in the long run.
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Amy,
First I commend you for trying out something new because what you were doing wasn’t working. I can really identify with what you have shared. My dd is now 7 and last year she started K-garten. She developed some horrible behavior problems and we ended up removing her from school after 8 weeks. It is my opinion that she wasn’t emotionally ready. But she is also a defiant strong willed child and we’ve tried all kinds of things. Charts and positive rewards would make a charming well behaved girl for about 2 weeks and then the issues would gradually come back. I hope in your case that this program continues to work. As a word of encouragement, my daughter is now in 1st grade at school and seems to have outgrown many of the problems she had, so there is HOPE! I know the feelings of extreme frustration and despair because I just didn’t know what to do. I think seeking new ideas and solutions is the very best we can do as parents sometimes. It would be nice if kids came with instruction manuals, but they don’t!
Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing such a difficult issue. You are not alone!
Sandy
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I ordered the book on interlibrary loan. Now I’ll have to see if they have Punished by Rewards as well.
I think its wonderful that you all share what you are going through/went through.
Can’t thank you enough
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Amy – I don’t think that having a rewards system is a bad thing (my mom used it – to some sucess). However, I think it’s important that kids understand that not everything comes with a reward. And not every reward is monitary. Including volunteering and obigitory chores and explaining (per age level) that there are lots of different things that have to be done and lots of rewards/punishments I think goes a long way. A 5yo may not get it, but it won’t be too long till they will.
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I definitely agree that not everything gets a point. We tried to limit the point activities to the main things we were struggling with and a couple of easy ways to earn a point here and there. He only has a couple of chores listed and then our main behavior problems. I am hoping that these simple goals will help make those times in our life go a little smoother for us.
I really appreciate this discussion! I think a lot of if it works or not depends on each person’s individual situations and even their children’s personalities!
Keep your thoughts coming!
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Great post! I had a question that maybe other commenters can help with: does there come a time where the tangible rewards no longer matter so much and you phase out the charts, etc.? I’m thinking it may take a certain maturity level which would vary widely, I’m sure, but I just wasn’t sure if once you start this system you’ll be following it for years? Thanks!
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Melissa,
I can’t answer your question yet, as we haven’t gotten to this stage, but I will tell you a few things that the book is stating (to hopefully help answer what you are asking)
It appears that you can use these techniques up through adolescence, although the rewards will obviously change based on your child’s needs. They have things like earning gift certificates, staying up late, taking time off from chores, getting a special haircut, taking the car to school, and having sleepovers as some activities that you could do when they got older.
This is a quote from the book:
“A behavior developed through reinforced practice and many practice opportunities is often maintained. What typically happens, in my experience, is that we design the program and the parents carry it out, we tinker as needed to make sure it is working, and the program goes on for a few weeks. The behavior change occurs, becomes fairly stable, and proves satisfactory to all the parties, and the program tapers off. Once the positive opposite behavior has largely replaced the problem behavior, no one has much incentive to bring the program back, and there usually is no need to unless we see a relapse.”
Basically you are rewarding good behavior and teaching your child to do things the right way. What happens is that the new and good behavior becomes a routine and your child automatically does it. But children change so much and so does their behavior, so once you have resolved the current problem, you can apply the rewards to another behavior that you are hoping to see.
I also wanted to add one other part in the book (then I shall step down from my wild and crazy soap box)
“Technically, a “reward” is defined as something the child will like and value. A “reinforcer” is defined as a consequence that when given contingently (that means the child gets it if and only if he does the desired behavior) increases the likelihood of the child doing the behavior again in the future. There’s a large area of overlap between rewards and reinforcers, but not all rewards are reinforcers and not all reinforcers are rewards. The non overlapping portions can be critical. .. The point is that in some cases your child may not share your view of what constitutes an effective reward, reinforcer, or punishment. Or he may share your view , but even f you both agree that it’s a reward it still may not function as a reinforcer. If the program’s not working, you may want to consider such a possibility. And yes, in some rare cases you may have to conclude that you just can’t come up with consequence that have the desired effect on behavior.”
I would highly recommend reading the book- maybe one of these days we will have to do a book club on parenting books for discussion, since this has been such a great and lively one! I am throughly enjoying this and I appreciate everyone being so respectful while sharing their own opinions on these types of techniques. I am learning so much!
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