I have been having parenting difficulties with my 5 year-old. He is an extremely sweet boy, but he is extremely strong-willed and he does not like going to school. This has been going on all year, but it has taken an extremely bad turn and he is becoming more physical (and more physically impossible) to battle with to make him go to school. Tuesday morning was the straw that broke the camel’s back, because our morning was the worst we had ever had together. I have even found myself having scary Mommy Dearest moments where I am yelling my head off at him and he is hitting me, screaming, and refusing to get in the car. I won’t go into all of the trauma, but I dreaded school mornings. He simply did not want to go to school and I did not know what to do. After a tearful talk with his teacher that day, I realized that something needed to change in our house.
Keep in mind that I tried everything that I could- getting him up earlier, eliminating distractions, and giving him warnings that it is nearing time to go, talking to him about what might be bothering him about school, frequent discussions with his teacher about behavior and what could be going on. You know, all the good stuff that the “experts” encourage. No matter what I did though, we were starting our mornings with tears and battles.
I came home on Tuesday feeling defeated. Was it something I did that caused this? Why was I letting my temper get the best of me? Did I fail in disciplining him?
I picked up a book that I got from the library about parenting strong-willed children entitled, “The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.” I sat down and poured a cup of coffee and read, and read, and read. I got excited in that hour about all that I could do as a parent. I realized that I didn’t have to be a negative mom, I could be a positive parent. The 
book was filled with tips on positive parenting and how to create positive solutions for your children. The main focus was on creating a point system for good behavior and focusing on positive praise to get positive results.
Dr. Kazdin suggests implementing a chart in the home to award points to your child for the things you want them to do (in our case, go to school without a fight). His system reminded me of another system that our reader, Jodi, had shared about using raffle tickets and points for completing chores in our awesome chore discussion. Go back to that post and take a peek- her advice was right on par with the good doctor’s recommendations.
I piled the kids in the car and forked over a few bucks for raffle tickets and pumped up the program to my son. It was recommended, in the book that I read, to throw in some theater or use your cheerleader voice (depending on what kind of person you were in high school, I guess)
Me: Ethan, We are going to try something NEW!
Ethan: (suspiciously) What kind of new thing?
Me: We are going to get TICKETS for doing GREAT stuff and you can EARN AWESOME THINGS for going to school and doing your chores.
Ethan: (still suspicious) What kind of things?
Me: Oh, whatever kinds of things you like…games, movies, ice cream…
Ethan: I like Wii games
Me: Well, that might be something you could work towards, but um, those are a lot of money…But we can TRY! Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah! Gooooo Team!
That is all it took to get him on board. We sat down and put together a list of activities that I wanted him to do around the house and a list of his rewards. We used a recycled coffee container for official ticket storage and worked all day the next day on putting together a fabulous chart of activities that he could do.
Ethan’s chart is a picture chart, since he is not reading just yet. I pulled all of the images from Microsoft’s clip art collection. Ethan picked each of the pictures and we cut them out, mounted them on cardboard and wrote number values in the corners of each picture. I have to say, we were both pretty proud with the finished product.
Ethan has one page of things he has to do to earn tickets and two pages of awesome rewards. We have them hanging on the refrigerator and he has been checking it and counting tickets like nuts for the past two days.
Earn Tickets:
Going to School Nicely- 3 tickets
Make My Bed- 1 ticket
Put breakfast dishes in the sink- 1 ticket
Pick up toys before bed- 3 tickets
Go to Bed Nicely- 1 ticket
Feed the cat- 1 ticket
Help Mommy With Laundry- 3 tickets
Rewards:
Get to Read an Extra Book- 5 tickets
Go to the Library- 10 tickets
Pick What to Eat for Dinner- 10 tickets
Get a Movie- 10 tickets
Play a Game With Mom or Dad- 10 tickets
Rent a Video Game- 20 tickets
1 Hour of Computer Time- 25 tickets
Pick and Make a Snack With Mommy- 25 tickets
Go to the Dollar Movie- 30 tickets
Stay up 1 Hour Late- 35 tickets
Get Ice Cream- 35 tickets
Go Bowling- 100 tickets
Wii or Leapster Game- 200 tickets
Go to the Dinosaur Museum- 200 tickets
In the book, they encourage you to not take away points, but tell your child that it is fine if they don’t want to do A, B, or C, but they will not get the points they need to get rewards. The book also reviews other forms of punishment, like time-outs and how to make them effective when disciplining your child. There is also an entire system of practicing what you need your child to do (basically acting out the parts of what you want to occur), praising your child for the pretend scenarios, then having them really do, and then rewarding them with points and praise that involve a hug, a high-five, or a pat on the back.
If you are struggling with your child as I have been, you might want to check out the
book! The Appendix of the book has a chart divided between age groups for activities that you could add to your charts and fun rewards that your child can earn.
What I truly mean to say though is thank you for all of your invaluable comments. I try to help be a source of encouragement over here, but your systems and thoughtful discussions are such a great encouragement to me as well! Big thanks to Jodi for her thoughtful solution- I hope this will help someone else out there. From one Mommy Dearest to another!
Sound Off: Do you use charts in your house? How do you implement positive parenting in your house?
Great post Amy! I was the difficult child in the family when it came time to go to school. I had the worst time going to the first grade, but my Mom was very patient, and we made it through those tough times. Wishing you all the very best!
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I like this idea (and the fact that Ethan wants Wii games – so smart, so young). I definitely would use charts or whatever it would take for that matter. You did good Amy, REAL GOOD.
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Good for you for finding something that can work in your household!
As a former teacher I can say that I have had great success with similar reward systems in my classroom with spirited children.
Good luck to you!
BTW: Even though we have a toddler we DO use charts in our house. I use one for my daily tasks and routine, and our son has one for using the potty. Charts are awesome!
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I’m totally going to get this book. I have a 4 year old boy who is definitely defiant. Thank you so much for sharing it! I would love for you to write an “update” post in a week or month and let us know how it’s going, what’s worked and hasn’t worked.
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Alicia- I can definitely do an update after a longer period of time. I have seen an incredible different just since Tuesday afternoon when we started the program so I think that the positive reinforcement will be the way to go for him
Thanks to everyone for their encouragement! I really appreciate it!
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AWESOME! I am SO doing this.
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The positive reinforcement road is the best to take. I think this is a great plan, but as a teacher, I have to wonder what is making him resist school so much and especially if it has happened suddenly and is getting worse and at such a young age and grade. If he is resistant to going to school now, it might only worsen as he gets older if the problem is not identified. I’d keep trying to talk to him about it, it could be something as simple as he does not like who he is sitting by or as complex as him struggling to do the work because of an unidentified learning disability. Best of luck!
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Excellent and extremely helpful post. My daughter is 3 years old and we have been contemplating a “payment” system for doing her chores and going potty on her own, etc. I actually already have a roll of tickets, so now we just need to make some charts! Excellent! I’ll check out the book from the library too. Thanks!
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Yay for you for figuring out that being positive is much more potent than being negative. As a child psychologist I feel like I say that all the time to parents. I use a similar system with my kindergartener: he get marbles when he does something the first time I ask, and for every book he reads (these are the things that we are working on right now). He likes to choose a reward before-hand and have it in his mind to work toward, and that motivates him. He also has a chore chart that earns him his allowance, and although I think that two systems can be confusing, it seems to work, at least most of the time.
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This sounds AWESOME. I will definitely be reading this book, and implementing it’s strategies when my son is a bit older!!
Thank you!
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Great idea, Amy! I’m so glad it’s working for you.
You know, my husband is a pediatrician, and the most common problem he sees parents for is kids not wanting to go to school or getting tummy aches because they’re so stressed about school. Something is really wrong with school when it causes kids such anxiety!
I hope your son grows out of it, and I’m glad your system is working! It does look great!
Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum today!
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Amy,
Thank you for so honestly sharing this struggle with us. At MOPS the other day, a mom of 5 (ages 4-11) shared that they do something almost exactly like this! Many of the moms got really excited. She mentioned a specific website called dotolearn.com that has all kinds of printables.
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Way to go, Amy! Isn’t it amazing how quickly parents can see results from this type of system? I wish you continuted success with this!
All the best,
Jodi
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We do an “action and consequences” chart in addition to a rewards chart. That way, when a behavior is acted upon, the consequence is known. For example, if she gets in trouble at school, no sleepovers that weekend. That sort of thing. It helps her feel in control of her actions… and the consequences were set in advance.
Also, to curb TV time, we do the “for every minute you read, you earn a minute of TV.” I know it may not apply to Ethan right now, but in the future it might come in handy.
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Mary-
I will be honest with you and say that I think,in my humble mommy opinion, that Ethan is a little bored. I decided to hold him back a year (he is a July baby) and under encouragement of his teacher and other people around me, I kept him back a year to give him an extra year to bloom. He is smart, but had a short attention span. I really think this is attributed our problems right now, as I have talked his ear off and his teachers and he does well when he is there.
Today we had a great morning and he told me he loves school and his teachers. I think we just didn’t love our mornings together
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Thank you so much for this. I have a difficult child that mornings are a battle. When you start the day with a battle it only gets worse! We tried stickers for good behavior for awhile and then the novelty wore off. I am definately going to try these!
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THANK YOU! Spencer and Anne are both very stubborn and strong willed, and I have wondered how to best help them and discipline them. I will get the book from the library today!
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Great post! I had a question that maybe other commenters can help with: does there come a time where the tangible rewards no longer matter so much and you phase out the charts, etc.? I’m thinking it may take a certain maturity level which would vary widely, I’m sure, but I just wasn’t sure if once you start this system you’ll be following it for years? Thanks!
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Thanks for being so vulnerable. It’s comforting to hear other women struggle with similar battles to ours. I like the ticket idea!
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This is brilliant! We tried to do the same thing with money, but it became a nightmare if they are too young because they don’t understand the value of a quarter versus a dime (save the fact that one is bigger than the other!). They are all about quantity at this age, so it helps to “pay” them in tickets.
Thanks so much for sharing this us! We’ve got a strong-willed 4 year old who is displaying much of the same behavior you described. Hopefully this weekend we can put together a similar program and get him inspired to follow it.
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This sounds wonderful and a lot of fun even. But I’m hesitant to try it for 3 reasons so I would LOVE to see more people post how this works out for them.
1) What do you do when tickets aren’t enough incentive? Those days compliance just isn’t happening? I’d still have to build a whole lot of “just in case” time into our routine?
2) Would this undo the things my son does just because he knows its right to do and make him start thinking there should be a reward for every little thing? When I was having a back problem it was really painful to buckle ds into his booster seat so I bribed him with a toy he’d been wanting (a pokemon ball) – “if you buckle yourself into the car every trip for a week you can have it.” A plan born of desperation when I realized I couldn’t lean over and pull the buckle across him when I needed to be somewhere and my back was spazzing and I knew he could but was being difficult. When it came time to go pick it out he wanted two. I told him no but he could figure out a way to earn the other one and all of a sudden he wanted to earn it simply by doing things he’s been doing “right” all along. So I set another challenge – tying his shoes. For this I pick behaviors/skills I’m pretty sure he is totally capable of but being stubborn about. So when the week of belt-buckling was over and he tried to regress it was “Nu-uh, no way mister, I KNOW you can do it.”
3) Is there burn-out with this? My son had a chore chart to earn some things he was pestering me for. It lasted about a week and then he didn’t want the things anymore lol. And when we were taking away toys because he wouldn’t pick them up he could earn them back by having a no-timeout day at school but then he wised up, quit losing the toys by cleaning up always but school is still if-y. He even can earn $ for helpful things (beyond things he should be doing for himself anyway) but he just doesn’t care about some of that stuff so I find myself having to constantly reinvent praises, consequences, etc. so I’ve gotten to the point I seem severe because I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I think maybe thats why I like this plan – easy to update and adapt and keep “interesting”?
I don’t like where we are though so I’m willing to give anything a try. So I’ll be watching this one!
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wow. this is a really great idea. my little one is good most of the time, but every so often i realize HE’S running me. i’ve had the morning after drop off and fighting about school where i just cried. it’s an awful feeling.
i’m going to try this! and you know what else it’s good for… counting!
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To answer the parents who are asking if you can phase out the rewards in time, or if in time they are no longer needed…
I’m the mom of an 18 and 13 year old boys. I raised them on a reward system, not exactly like this one but a similar concept. I just don’t like to fight with my kids and felt it was the easiest for all of us.
My 13 year old still wants rewards on occasion (“If I do this, will you buy me this?”) but good behavior has become a life long habit for him, so the rewards are for doing extra. My 18 year old hasnt been interested in rewards in years, the actually stopped working with him at about 13. Instead, I had to find ways to help him reward HIMSELF. If he got good grades it wasnt enough for me to reward him, he had to feel accomplished about himself.
Its important to remember that everything your kids do when little can be a habit when they are big. Good behavior, bad behavior, fighting with parents, or not fighting… so its worth the extra effort!
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Thanks so much for writing about the not so pretty parts of parenting. Way to go that you took a ugly moment of parenting (that we ALL have) and you turned into a learning time for you! Glad it’s working and I wish you many easy mornings.
Tracey
My son, also 5, had a Walk in the Hall chart for awhile and it did seem to work. (our downstairs neighbors liked it)
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So what happens when he gets older and is simply doing what he is supposed to, and doesn’t get a reward?
Should doing those things that are basic daily living activities come with any reward other than that which the activity itself gives?
Life deals positive and negative reinforcements, whether we like it or not. Shouldn’t the discipline of our children be similar?
The idea of making the good and bad consequences known for a task seems to make much more sense for me. Where there is no risk, there is no reward.
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Anonymous-
I just want to begin by stating that this program and techniques were backed after years and years of research and come straight from the 2008 president of the American Psychological Association and head of the Yale Parenting Center.
This system is focusing on a defiant child who does not want to cooperate in the home. It is meant to reinforce positive behavior in your child.
Our children will all one day have to go out in the real world and get a job. When my son goes to his job, he will be paid for his hard work. If he doesn’t go to work, he will lose money and not be able to buy the things he wants. This is the same with this ticket program and will teach him that he will be rewarded for the good things he does, not only with the tickets which will earn him the right to gain a privilege in the home, but also that he will be praised and recognized for the good stuff he is doing. It is a form of positive parenting and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to be a positive mommy. What I was doing was not working for me.
If the idea of “you do what you are supposed to because I said so” works for people, I am all for that! We are talking about parenting a five year old child. I don’t intend to give him tickets when he is a teenager, but I think a ticket or reward system is ideal for giving our children the building blocks they need to learn how to behave. My hope is that through a program like this (again with years of research backed on it) that my child will grow up into a successful young man who was raised in a positive environment. Who can fault a family for that?
And what seem daily living activities to us (for example, going to school) are difficult for my son and I am teaching him a positive reward for doing the things he doesn’t like or does not want to do. We are teaching him how rewarding it can be to do what we are supposed to!
I would definitely recommend checking out the book, if you are truly interested, because it explains it a lot better than I ever could!
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this is a great post!!! my son is only 19 months but i will keep this in the back of my head for when he is older.
i also teach and i have heard a lot about this but no really good way to implement it. i love your explanation!!!
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Great job. People with strong willed children will appreciate these tips. Other parents don’t get it. I have a strong willed one and I can tell people think and, sometimes they run their mouth about it, that I should just spank him. I love that we are looking for positive ways to focus our kids. Thanks!
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This is a little bit old now, and I was wondering how everything was working. I justy started this last night with my oldest (9YO) and I truely am at my wits end. I’m quickly becoming the EVIL MOM that I hate. I have to find a way to communicate effectively with my son.
I’m waiting to hear that it is not a quick fix, but has been working in the long run. I’m waiting to hear that after the first few days there is a slack off from the “angel behaviour” but then it levels out to be still much better than when you started out.
I’m waiting to see if I should call Super Nanny or Nanny 911. On ME!!
Thanks so much.
Manders
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i posted a while ago saying that i wanted to try this…
i did. here are the results.
http://ijustworkhere-punchanella.blogspot.com/2008/05/give-your-kids-tickets-fuhcuz-it-works.html
thanks so much for telling us about it!
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How do I implement positive parenting?? I throw my kids on a bike and wear them out!!
Seriously, we are a family who travels on bicycle. My boys are so stimulated with so much going on that they rarely have a chance to argue or get in trouble.
We will be taking off in ten days to ride our bikes from Alaska to Argentina. I figure I won’t have to deal with problems of the sort you are talking about for the next 2 1/2 years until we get back home!!
You can read about our journey at http://www.familyonbikes.org
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Great advice. Thanks. I’ll be checking this book from the library today.
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Wonderful post and excellent idea. I might have to give that a try. I think it might work with my kindergärtner. I like the way the rewards aren’t all materialistic and encourage quality time, because really I think it’s what kids that age crave and need most.
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Amy, thank you so much for giving me this link! I’ve seen this book before and now know that it’s a good one since I know you’ve read it. I really appreciate your advice and am excited to try another method. I’m anxious to try to find a way to use this strategy with Zeke. My mom always used charts with us. Sometimes when I’m in the middle of something like this I am so beside myself that I just cannot think straight and it helps to have friends on the outside that can help guide us=) Thank you!
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OOohh if he uses his tickets wisely, he can get about 2 Wii games a month!
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We have been doing this with marbles for 2-3 years now. Mysteriously, it still works! My children are 9, 7, and 5. I switched to buying stuff they want and putting it in the treasure box and they earn the stuff. I am very surprised, but there is no let-up for my kids on the program. Oh, and my kids are not defiant.
I did not know this was a published thing (the Dr.). I love the idea of giving a hug or pat on the back for getting tickets. I will start this and see if I can get even more mileage from it.
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